General Writings
I like to write and tell people about things. Mostly video games and how a lot of them aren't very good.
Listed in chronological order, and tagged to give a rough idea of what to expect. 80% of these are ancient and poorly written, please be warned!
- [essay] Wherein I attempt to make a point. Expect pretentiousness!
- [gamespot] Spotlighting a game. What do you mean, this word's already been used?
- [oddity] Not here to make a point, just to complain. Typically old and not very good!
- [heart] Rare times I try to be gushing and positive!
- [toys] Usually crummy reviews from action figure collecting days. Sometimes not though!
- [gripe] Not here to make a point, just to complain. Typically old and not very good!
- [tmi] More personal anecdotes than anything coherent.
columns & projects
Big things I talked about for a while, or might still be talking about!
Jan 2020
Dinosaur Hunter Diaries
A chronological look at all the Turok media, even the bad ones. Letting the obnoxious comic nerd in me run loose.
Jul 2012
ONM Remembered
A meandering and rambling glimpse at decades-old Nintendo magazines from the UK.
Jun 2011
Otimusya - Punchline Warrior
My dedication to a site now lost to the mists of time. Translations of his kooky game writings.
Sep 2009
The Red Dwarf section
In-depth analysis-style reviews about a dead guy frequently reaching fourth base. You heard me.
Mar 2008
Finishing the Legend of Zelda
Step-by-step progress on how to fail miserably on a game everybody else doesn't fail at.
[part 1] [part 2] [part 3] [part 4] [part 5] [part 6] [part 7] [part 8] [part 9]
Some games I played in...
A silly name for yearly reviews.
2023
Feb 2024
2022
Sep 2023
2021
Dec 2021
2020
Jul 2020
2019
Dec 2019
2015
Oct 2016
2014
Oct 2015
2013
Oct 2015
2012
Aug 2014
2009
Jan 2010
the actual General Writings
and not the things preceding the General Writings
Oct 2021
I ♥ Kraid
I also have lots of opinions about Kraid but I'll forgive you for not wanting to know.
[heart] [essay]
Jul 2021
The Evolution of Bowser('s sprite)
I have a lot of opinions about sprites and about Bowser. Let me drown you in them.
[heart] [essay]
Aug 2021
Croc: The Little 3D Platformer That Tried
Defending the honour of long dead platforming franchises.
[essay] [review] [heart]
Oct 2015
F-ZERO - Otimusya
Everything you need to know about fictional time trial tactics.
[gamespot]
Oct 2015
Otimusya - Final Fight
Beatings are heavy in Super Crime City. Heads-up: inappropriate sexual and transphobic gags.
[gamespot]
Oct 2015
Otimusya - Hokuto no Ken
If anyone's got a gag that isn't a riff on "you are already dead", hit me up.
[gamespot]
Oct 2015
Otimusya - Wolfenstein 3D
A Japanese perspective on the dawn of first-person shooters.
[gamespot]
Jan 2012
10 reasons why Super Mario Land 2 is pretty neat
When in doubt, rehash a concept.
[gamespot]
Jun 2011
Otimusya - Excite Bike
There's nothing in the rules saying a Terminator can't enter a motocross tournament!
[gamespot]
Jun 2011
Otimusya - Balloon Fight
The logistics of balloon flight are explored, and it all ends in tears.
[gamespot]
Mar 2010
12 reasons why Super Mario Land is pretty rad
Just in case my writing wasn't lazy enough.
[gamespot] [heart]
Jun 2010
Batman vs. Tarzan
Proof that Random Hoo Haas is now just about whatever stupid Nintendo merchandise I find in the garage.
[oddity]
Apr 2010
The Cassette Boy
I'm not sure how something I found in the garage prompted an article as stupid as this.
[oddity]
Apr 2010
How the Classic Controller broke my heart
And why I will never love third party peripherals again.
[tmi]
Feb 2010
The Speed Rumbler
Instant death? Instant death! Also I swear I've had the barebones of this sitting around since 2006. Me lazy.
[gamespot]
Dec 2009
Nintendo All-Star Battle Cards
Ever wanted to know Timber's exact height in centimetres, or his approximate power level? Find out inside!
[oddity]
Nov 2009
Kung-Fu Master
Hours of kicking-people-in-the-face fun! Okay, ten minutes at the most.
[gamespot]
Aug 2009
I ♥ Tracy
A love page for a character that isn't an obscure cartoon creature? It happened.
[heart]
Jul 2009
THE KID RHINO RHINO MUST DIE
Sometimes cartoon animal mascots just don't work, y'know.
[oddity]
Jun 2009
Jungle Panda
(in collaboration with Scary-Crayon!)
Forget the panda, watch out for that frickin' snake!
[toys]
Jun 2009
Quick Man - The Jazwares Action Figure
A toy based off a Japanese video game, and it isn't an immobile statuette? Dubious enquiry!
[toys]
May 2009
Wicket - the deadliest force in the galaxy
Just how many things can one little Ewok decimate? (A tenth, if you abide the proper definition of the word.)
[oddity] [gamespot]
Mar 2009
Pink Goes To Hollywood
A licensed video game that's not very good? Shock of the century!
[gripe]
Nov 2008
Tony the Tiger: 2nd Class Villain in 1st Class Post
Wherein I make more complaints about breakfast than jabs at the story.
[oddity]
Aug 2008
Thomas the Tank Engine: The video game
It's not that fantastic. Both the game and the rambling, that is.
[gamespot] [gripe]
Aug 2008
Plasma Tech Bogkov
Rubber-like Transformers rip-offs that don't even transform. And I like them? Blasphemy!
[toys]
Jun 2008
Chelnov - Atomic Runner
One of those games that you want to love but the frequent deaths try to quash any affection for it.
[gamespot] [gripe]
May 2008
Tasmania Story
All kinds of wacky comparisons in an attempt to understand just how the hell to define this game. Also mice.
[gamespot]
Feb 2008
64th Street - A Detective Story
Forget all these new mystery solving games, this is one that uses the best interrogative tool of all: Your fists.
[gamespot] [gripe]
Feb 2008
Making sense of random battles
That isn't achieved at all. Instead I draw dinosaurs biting people's crotches.
[oddity]
Feb 2008
Robot Masters 01 - G1 Convoy
Double whammy! A review of the real deal and an inflated bootleg.
[toys]
Jan 2008
Godzilla GB
Not what you expect it to be, both in gameplay and what it started as!
[gamespot] [gripe]
Jan 2008
Tranx Fighers Planet Fighter Tyrannobot
It's not quite a redeco but not quite a retool either! And I ramble a lot.
[toys]
Dec 2007
Titanium Soundwave
Filled with flaws and drawbacks, but I try and reason with it. Mostly because I got it for £6.
[toys]
Dec 2007
Action Master Blaster
Expressing love to a toyline that just about everyone reviles? Must be sacrilege.
[toys]
Dec 2007
Mega Man III (Game Boy)
A whole two paragraphs on the game, really. The rest is about expansion packs!
[gamespot]
Nov 2007
Shadows of the Empire
A quickie! Five reasons why it rocks and also scared the dickens out of me.
[gamespot]
Nov 2007
Ganbare Ginkun - Action Minigame Shuu
This game features a giant killer shoe. A giant killer high-heeled shoe.
[gamespot]
Oct 2007
Dinosaur warrior Dinosaur Bot POWERFUL
Get a new toy and only review it several weeks after getting it. Am I a terrible person?
[toys]
Aug 2007
50.Grind's Gotta Catch 'Em All
The Zelda Rap may be definitive of 80s video gaming, but take a gander at this little beaut.
[oddity]
Jun 2007
New Super Mario Bros. mini-games
Bitching and whining about the flaws of the DS! And maybe some reviews.
[gamespot]
May 2007
HALO SUX LOL
You hear it all the time, and now Galvatron and I say the same! It's not much new, really.
[gripe]
May 2007
Othello is terrible
The game, not the Shakespeare play. Great title screen, though.
[gamespot] [gripe]
Mar 2007
Diet Go Go!
Intended to be humourous and such-like, but dwindled into mindless ranting. Has a cameo from Chelnov.
[gamespot] [gripe]
Mar 2007
final fighantsy script.txt
Proof that my brother is clinically insane and I should stop being his lackey.
[oddity]
Mar 2007
Tales of the Nintendo 64
I just can't get enough of retelling these personal stories. Will anyone care? Read to find out!
[tmi]
Dec 2006
Bad Eatter [sic] The Man 2!
The sequel from the time of knights, now very creationist.
[tmi]
Dec 2006
Why Mega Man - The Power series rules
Ten reasons justifying why they totally rock and should get sequels.
[gamespot]
Nov 2006
Let's Talk Metal Slug (with Galvatron!)
A bit like Ebert and Siskel, except I've never seen that outside of the parody on The Simpsons.
[gripe]
Nov 2006
Crocodile Man Adventures 1: The Museum
Guest-starring Grandad and Crazy Uncle Lester, plus the creatures of Africa.
[oddity]
Oct 2006
Bad Eater The Man!
A look at one of my crazy creations in 3D Movie Maker from the years of dinosaurs.
[tmi]
Sep 2006
Saturn Bomberman Fight!!
Obscure game information, as well as the scanned manual.
[gamespot]
Jul 2006
Love & Monsters: A story to fit every taste
An impromptu doodle story with Invader Mar!
[oddity]
Jun 2006
The State of the GBA market (the positive)
The Game Boy Advance's library isn't all that bad.
[gripe]
May 2006
Taz-Mania: Two crappy games
Water isn't the only thing Taz hates. Taz hate low-quality licensed video games!
[gripe]
Feb 2006
Super Mario 64 DS
It's bad enough on it's own, but then you learn it once had co-operative multi-player and all hell breaks loose!
[gripe]
Dec 2005
Metal Slug Advance
A list of bullet points detailing why the game makes me sad and got me temporarily hated at the MSDB.
[gripe]
Dec 2005
The State of the GBA market (the negative)
The Game Boy Advance's library stinks.
[gripe]
