HEY LOOK OUT: all kinds of image intensive
to the more innovative control styles of recent consoles and how more games are
being targeted at non-gamers, their subject matter is now much broader and
perhaps even sensible now, which only helps in kind of demolishing the term
"genres", as where on Earth does a cooking game fit into the ever popular
selection? It could be
Puzzle, but it could be Action depending on how low your standards are for
that sort of thing. An hour of Animal Crossing helps in achieving that,
from my experience.
...and Hamu, Player 2.
(I can translate! Badly!)
Judging simply from the pretty pictures, they've got an enemy in the form of Gatu Gatu...
starts off as some kind of prize awarding contest host, and then starts popping
up everywhere to ask questions and club them over the head if they're wrong,
even popping up in army bases to foil whatever it is our heroes are up to.
This doesn't appear to
to have any effect on the actual gameplay, and for all I know they could contain
biting social commentary in every text box, but to my heathen eyes they are
merely intermissions between having Giso's
This is what defines
the game. Every mini-game has a border featuring a silly animation of a
top-heavy female jogger, a muscle man who flexes until he explodes and a teddy
bear with piranha jaws, but screw them; having your head blown off and trying to
connect with it again is what makes Ganbare Ginkun what it is.
It should go without
saying that I'm making up all these titles myself.
Where you will drown
in an unceremonious death. If you actually succeed, Gatu Gatu will be battered
into oblivion while your character celebrates with a smooth, relaxing cigarette.
Circle for the Holy
Perhaps this is one of
those cultural things that makes no sense to anyone outside of the game's home
country, but Circle for the Holy Grail is remarkably mundane in comparison to
others. Your goal is to float in circles around the big floating thing with
glowing liquid in it's cranium while avoiding birds that are downright lethal
thanks to dodgy collision detection. Succeed in your task and you'll get a
drink of the glowing liquid that's
apparently spicy while a captive young madam appears and expresses frustration.
Or bondage joy. Wacky!
Do The Creep
Giso and Hamu, acting
as valiant warriors, must creepy warily towards two Daruma as they spell out
Japanese text; they must stop before the whole text is spelt out or else they
will be ZAPPED DEAD and be TURNED INTO
DARUMA; take too long and THE SAME FATE IS IMPOSED. If they get close enough
to the vile beasties, they'll make use of their badly drawn blades to decapitate
them and spank their asses in victory.
This mini-game sucks
enough for me not to give it a humourous title. Seriously.
It's just you, Gatu Gatu and a referee (or two Gatu Gatus if you're doing 2-Player), and the referee is the most important character. See, you can't blow up the bastard without the command of "GO" which the referee will give, but he's also a dickhead and will throw in other words such as COOL, COW, GOD and GOOD which will just make the cannon blow up in your face if you fire it then.
given more than enough time to react for an explosive discharge in Gatu's ugly
mug, especially with the power of emulation pausing, so it's an easy victory.
Sealy & Giso: Crime
Busters of the Sea
Being mighty fine citizens, our heroes are delivering a seal cub or two back to it's sleeping parents until SHARK ATTACK. Lacking the balls to do anything about it, you must make use of their iron lungs to blow the cub across to the parents and alarm them of the sharks, doing so in the ever realistic rising gauge that resets to zero when it reaches the top tactic. Take too long and the seals leave of their own accord and get you munched upon, but succeeding allows the sharks to be chased off and the opportunity to party with some seals.
One of which has
breasts. Oh, Japan!
Wet The Fuse
Gatu Gatu has planted a bomb in a trench with a comically long fuse; no one else is there to detonate it but Giso and Hamu. Giso and Hamu have no means of putting out a lit fuse on their person. Except for one way. Which isn't exactly polite to do in public.
On the downside,
letting the bomb explode wakes up a number of sleeping crocodiles, which is
And the way our heroes
celebrate is barely pleasant on the bladder.
One of two mini-games where innocent bears are your foe, your goal is to simply ski down the mountain to victory. A simple task, no doubt about it, were it not for those goddamned bears making snowmen in the middle of your skiing path. Messing up their hard work will cause you to snowball down the cliff with a bear chasing after with murderous intent.
Winning actually gets
your a celebratory kiss, at the expense of Giso or Hamu melting. Poor sod?
For reason beyond my comprehension, this mini-game puts Giso and Hamu in command of six circus bears, rolling around on balls for the amusement of an unseen audience. Your role in this highly intricate act is to keep them disciplined and in line; if one starts floundering and becoming a harsh yellow, you've got to whip them into shape before they fall or else they'll gobble you good.
However, as an act of kindness for making their show a success, they put on a show for you on your victory. Aw.
A careless parent strolls by on the beach with a pram full of infants, all of which lead off without her knowing. There's a child prowler in the waters with a rattle while you've got an iced lolly. WHAT DO U DO
If you fail, the parent will return to slam you into the ground using her child as a brick, and then walk off dribbling the infant like a basketball. Keep them safe long enough and she'll make off with them, rewarding you minimally for your troubles.
Sometimes you just
Heels of Doom
A giant, high-heel wearing foot appears from above and is stomping all over the place. Armed with a fedora and infinite supply of rockets, you must thwart this menace by blasting it until it decides it's had enough of your shit.
Hop, Shit and Jump
Provoked by Gatu Gatu,
you've got to turn and turn that joystick in a feeble attempt to imitate prepping up
for a long jump along with perhaps a bit of button mashing, and then pressing
the button at the right time to leap over a steaming pile of manure. I think it
goes without saying that it's rare to leave this one freshly-scented and crystal
Giso and Hamu are forced to eat only one type of food for health reasons. Not for your typical blood pressure or high calorie reasons, but because eating the wrong one makes them ROCKET AROUND THE ROOM UNTIL THEY EXPLODE.
Choose wisely, padawan.
And naturally, food
slides by with no hint of slowness, sometimes with a crowd obscuring what there
is and what food type you must eat changes with every bite, so the going ain't
The Monster Mash
And finally, our last
mini-game is completely different from what the image portrays, which is nothing
new by now. A three by four parade of dancing monsters are boogieing the night
away, but one will always be screwing up; bash him on the noggin to set him
straight, but hit the wrong one and you'll be devoured alive while not a single
beat is missed. Fix their choreographed dance enough times and they'll return to
their graves, which is in my view seems rather selfish; they could at least put
on a bigger show for an audience consisting of more than two people.
And if you don't heed my command, here's some stupid images that will hopefully be persuading and also cause this page to take longer to load.