final fighantsy script.txt


I was watching Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children with Steve and admiring just how absurd it is, plus how impossible it is to take seriously because it's an hour and a half of fan service combined with absurdity. Here's a real event that happened!


<movie> *Cloud jumps to chase some dragon thing and Barret grabs him and flings him further into the air as a boost*

<Me> Well at least it was only Barret and not all of his friends who happen to be on higher girders.

<movie> *that very thing just happens except even more absurd*

<Me> Oh.


Not that I'm dissing fan service. It is one of the best things ever invented, and precisely why Street Fighter II: The Movie is one of the few anime films I like; because it tries to be nothing more than an hour and a half of fan service. All the characters appear with defining moments, Dee Jay says "what the hell is that, Tin Man on steroids?" Chun-Li has a completely unnecessary shower scene followed up with a fight with Vega accompanied by KMFDM's Ultra, and the movie not only has Ryu versus Ken, but Ryu and Ken versus M.Bison at the same time!

So back to Advent Children. It's an entertaining film despite my dislike of the game, but Steve thought it could be better because there weren't any Chocobos in it. And thus, he began a really long ramble and I typed it all down.

Misspellings have been kept just for the sake of lol.


warrior is on chocobo

Warrior is attacked on Chocobo.

3 assassins come at him on chocobos and chase scene for half hour with rockin' sounds
1 assassin is deaded
warrior's chocobo is deaded too but tears a neck out
warrior walks along as assassins leg it
warrirr finds acastle
king wants him dead as warrior reminds him of jerk who stole his daughter
the older daughter says "no daddy my white magic says hes a warrior of light" and joins
warrior says fuckin a (12A!!!)
dwarf says i challenge you to a dual in the village square
warrior says fair enough and kicks his HARD but spares him so dwarf joins him
they find a black mage going oh no and he joins them
they go out and adventure for 5 minutes
come across fortress and kill the assassin sender
warrior doesn't ask him why (because hes dead) so they return to the king w/ daughter
daughter says "daddy this guy saved me give him 2k monies"
king says "granted now save my world bitch"
warrior says "ok"
they find a bridge
builders say "you find a princess" [VICTORY MUSIC] and fix it
they cross a bridge and find a marsh
red mage hits a rock (why can't i hit straight"
warrior says i'ma train ya so red mage joins
outside a marsh they find a hut
thief guild! they nick the shiz
"i don't like the way they do magic so i'll get your stuff back"
thief joins
head onto the city which is attacked by a pirate dragon from space (ninjas)
dragon is commanded by hamster warrior who lives in nose
half an hour fighting the dragon it disappears people go hurray
some evil person is causing mischief! warrior says hey thats what the king told us
we're near a harbour so lets go there and then into an inn (in an inn lol)
thief says hey lets cross the water so find evil
they are attacked by zombie pirates, skeleton pirates, kraken, pirate dragon, corocdile pirates
their ship is totalled
captain of ship says "f this shiz" and dies
skeleton pirates ask whats the prob so warrior explains and black mage says oh no
skeleton pirate says thats no good so come with us while we plunder
they go to egypt and kill christians
christian leader says we're only following god and warrior says does that make killing people ok
so christian leader is axed by dwa\rf
skieleton leader joins them and makes them an odd number (ew)
outside is a dwarven mine overun by goblins
dwarfs says ere you kill the goblins and we'll give you magic bikes (hey it worked in castevania)
goblin king is working for evil witch/wench so he spills his guts in both terms
he explains they have to go through the pass of kieeernagwoooooooooooooo
they let the goblin king live (so he can die of guts falling out)
head out to the pass and drive over it on bikes
come across a boring elven forest and kill people before finding an airship
skeleton pirate flies it and they find a water floating castle ( in tthe ocean)
the dragon from rearlirer lands on it and roars
dragon fights them to the death
skeleton pirate sacrifices himself
dragon dies
skeleton pirate dies
hamster dies
black mage goes oh no and is transfixed
evil witch wnehc goes hahaha (Evil)
guy says something
they fight for an hour the six of them against millions of evil things
eventually theres magic as white mage vs evil witch wench
white mage kills her ass flat

Somebody died.

white mage also dies
everyone is =(
they send the castle into the ocean to melt in the sun (earth is flat yo)
we lost a few good people so they return to the first castle
king says you killed my daughter so you be banished
they go fair enough
and leave
they head out once again and find themselves otuside fortress of first evil guy (whos old)
you killed me once you can kill me twice (so he is)
he says screw you before exploding
black mage goes "f me blue it's stew"
stewart comes out says hey guys how are ya
dwarf is all who are you (ye)
stewart says you lost a few guys so i'll reive the princess by my magic tears
how can you shed a tear you moonlight dancer
quite simply but dwarf boots him to balls and he sheds a tear
black mage catches it in his hat so its' magic
castle returns
king says what you doin here
another half an hour fight
king syas what you doin here
no we're not we're here to reive your daughter
king is all fat chance fatties you killed her
younger princess says hhang on i'm not dead and king says not you you ditzy slut
they liquidise black mages hat and bathe the dead princess in it (nudity)
she revifes and is all omg never thought i'd see you again
yeah yeah
skeleton pirate says haha me kill you
they kill him but he says haha only funning but yeah hamster man has were dragons
oh shiz
another battle (2 hours logn)
hamster dies
most of the dragsons say hang on rules suck and they leave
king dies
thief dies
red mage dies
dwarf doesn't die
theres a ruined city so what can we do
theres only one man to rule it so he must pull a sword out of the stone
happy days says warrior and he thinks of ruling city and its advantages (tits)
but hes a fatty who can't pull it out
"f me blue its stew"

Black Mage becomes king.

"right guys you killed the baddies you're still not king" and others try to pull out sword
dwarf decides not to
black mage pulls it out
hes king
dwarf is his bodyguard
skeleton pirate is his seccond in command
hamster is his footstool
warrior drives into the sunset with white mage and chocobo
and other daughter is f'd blue by stew
right guys