Bad Eater The Man!


Upon my introduction to it in 1995, 3D Movie Maker has been among my favourite video games of all time, and definitely my favourite out of all my crappy PC games. I've made way over two hundred and fifty movies, and my interest has rarely waned. But one of the factors that interests me most about it, is the amount of bizarre, surreal movies I made in my first five years of owning the program.


"A scary movie" is hilarious.

Some examples include "boxer on p-lane" (which only features that situation for one scene), "The toilet hunt" (the ending involves the title character soiling his undergarments), and "v. funning", a film that begins with a scientist attempting to create a movie with SCIENCE, and ends with a robot being squashed by a wrestler. But what I'll be focusing on is a little movie I created a million years ago on the first of July, 1998: Bad eater the man!


WHAT "Found you!" The end but wait

The movie kicks off with a completely different title from the filename (a common trait with my old films), which is "???? WHAT". A man in a grey coat and hat advertises his need for a drink, and immediately solves it with some whisky before finding a man hiding behind the counter. He squashes himself to slither under the counter and kicks the man, only for him to grow and turn into a fatty. We're then informed this is "The end but wait" both in text and speech, so everyone can understand.


Fatty and coat man in jail. An exploding wall. WAIIIT (who, me?)

The fatty and coat man are now in prison for inexplicable reasons, and are given a change of clothes. Coat man yells at a wall until it explodes, where the fatty offers to trade him a magic trick for a vase; a long running in-joke of ours. Coat man kindly declines, only to faint and have large text tell us to "WAIIIT". Coat man thinks the comment is targeted at him.


Look out, you silly oaf! Get your skates on, robot, he's getting away!

Fatty is now back at his former size, and is stomping through the city, although the only victim of this rampage is a silly boy sleeping in the middle of the road. A robot celebrates this winner of a Darwin award, but decides to chase after the rampaging fatty for whatever reasons.


Robot is chasing. Robot is chased. Robot is squashed.

Now we are introduced to another common trait of these old movies: A chase scene on a black background, accompanied by jungle music. The robot chases the fatty away, only for the fatty to realise he's five times bigger than the robot and flip the odds around. The robot then hops into a car and spins around in it, eventually gaining the power of flight and then having the car explode and ending up squashed. Some "oh no!" music plays.


The robot cooks a fiendish concoction. An epic chase of the masses. Little and Larges.

The robot, now at his normal proportions, takes himself to a laboratory and cooks himself up a concoction of mystery. Elsewhere, the fatty is walking alone to some sombre music, when all of a sudden, the robot, now even bigger than fatty, starts chasing him! The fatty then stops and turns to him, but the robot backs away, for there is a tiny man in a red shirt running towards him, claiming he must get to the party before Charlie.


The party man dies. I was going to quote the song "Flight" by The Strawbs here, which is both a good song and a good band, but the lyrics aren't terribly fitting for a rocket about to explode this one guy. The death tally.

However, his party going days are done for, for the robot falls over and squashes him, and rubs that insult in his face by stepping on him, causing him to fall through the ground and into the sky. The fatty and robot, still giants, are also floating in the sky, only for the robot to be shot by a missile and turned into a safe. Day turns to night, and out of the safe comes the other two victims of tragedy: The purple shirt kid and red shirt party-goer. The safe then turns to the camera and opens, revealing the credits.


And that's the movie. While it is obviously just another of my pointless, boredom-fuelled movies of yonder, I'm inclined to try and discover a meaning behind all of it.

The main problem with the story is that I have no idea who to be rooting for. The fatty is the main character, but he puts a man of questionable innocence in prison and then squashes a poor idiot, so he's not the nicest of people. The robot also kills the party goer who, mysteriously enough, is the person who transformed into the fatty at the beginning of the movie. Everyone else is just insignificant and fodder to be stomped upon.

Everyone seems to hate fatty, although this is partly understandable, what with the jailing and killing of two people, but they were merely accidental and both of the people were idiots. The robot's intentions are uncertain, as he chases after the fatty with no means of harm at first, and it's only after his ride is wrecked and squashed that he decides to attempt to beat him up, only for things to go crazy.

And of course, there's the outright bizarre events at the beginning, involving a scene claiming it is the end, only for the film to continue for many times longer than what is apparently meant to be the main attraction.

Where does this bring us? It reveals that the movie is simply a load of bollocks. But most importantly ...


You forgot the man called Waiiit well he got out of jail!