An Ideal Human


For whatever reason, I like to think about humans a lot. When walking my dog, they're usually one of those serious topics I think over when I'm not imagining skeletons driving Harleys into volcanoes* or things that would make awesome posters. For example, Steve told me about an article he read in some magazine which said that if alien life were to exist, they would likely be humanoid because humans have accomplished so much and can adapt to practically any environment. Or something among those lines. I call bullshit, simply by looking at Vegas.

Humans are vertical and have flexible arms and legs, which can make good for climbing, but what if they fall? If they don't stop themselves, they'll fall a relatively far distance (judging from one's eyesight) to the ground, and that smarts. If a dog falls, it's not too bad because they're not as tall, meaning they could easily fall on their heads and just go about their business. A human, however, would spend five minutes going "ow jesus christ" and maybe complain about it on LiveJournal.
Continuing the animal comparisons, lets say a human and a cat fall from a second floor of a building. The cat has four legs to hit the land with, and would have enough time to prepare itself if it did so voluntarily. A human, however, only has two legs to properly land with, and two arms to steady the rest of the body with, but even then will still probably fall on his or her ass. My answer to the problem?

Wheels. Seriously, think about it! It would make travelling long distances less tiring, assist in climbing steep elevations, and come on, wheels are badass. Especially if they were customizable. I would have penny-farthing wheels.

(also yes those are meant to be thigh and chest wheels)

Additionally, human emotions suck. Emotions aren't things unique to humans, but they're the only kind we can understand in some light, yet at the same time can't comprehend half the time. One could be depressed for days and have no idea what the problem is, and it turns out to be something really minor. For example, one time I was feeling really down in the dumps, and had no idea why. Even with friends and their crazy antics coming over and having fun, I still felt miserable.
It turned out I wanted some time to myself.
My brain could've been simple and said 'seriously just say "no thanks" to the next social gathering', but instead it had to play a game of twenty questions, mime edition, for me to figure it out.
I personally think there is only one way to solve this uncertainty of the human psyique.

For reals. Being hateful is the only way to be honest. It's the very reason why those crazy people ask 'does this make me look fat,' because they want a vaguely offending comment to give them reason to list our their honest opinion on you! And it's also why people say to people 'you're fat.' They're machoists! They can't resist the opportunity to hear honest opinions about themselves. Gluttons for the truth.
And all compliments are mere disguisings of insults. 'You've lost weight' is the equivlant of 'here's a welcome back party for visible feet,' and 'you've filled out nicely' is polite terms for 'congrats on looking less like a skeleton.' It all makes sense!
So when you take all of my suggestions to heart, what do you get as a finished result?

A jerkass, ruthless, all-terrain killing machine. With the head of Danny Devito. Playing God is never a pretty sight.

Here's hoping this is either enlightening or paves way for a career as a mad dictator.



*Didn't that happen at the end of Discworld: Soul Music, or am I thinking of something else?