GUNS AND KNIVES
I went to see The Expendables a couple of days ago. It was a toss-up between that and Scott Pilgrim, and I guess we just decided that since Expendables has been out longer, we might as well catch it now before it’s gone. Mind you, given how niche I hear Scott Pilgrim is, it might not be long before it’s gone from theatres too! OH WHAT A DILEMMA
So there’s this multi-racial group of bikers and they’re all played by these big actors and they’re contracted for dangerous work, their latest mission to track down some dude who defected from the CIA and is gaining profits from a Mediterranean dictator’s work. That’s about it, really. Explosions and gun fights ahoy!
What is there to say that hasn’t been said? It’s a fun 80s-style action movie and everyone’s already shat their pants at the all-star line-up – Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Scharzenegger all sharing the screen, even if it is for five minutes? It’s friggin’ enchanting. I will admit it wasn’t until after the movie had ended that I realised Mr. Church was Bruce Willis; I just thought he was some bozo with a potty mouth when I was watching it.
I will admit, after the initial allure of all these stars on-screen together, it becomes rather mundane. I was actually more interested in seeing some of the less big-name guys get their time to shine. Terry Crews’ character was practically invisible up until the climax, but hot damn, it was worth the wait. And yes, the movie had Stallone, Jet Li and Dolph Lundgren (the man with the biggest dick I’ve ever seen!) all taking part in a scrap, but it was actually seeing Steve Austin beat into someone I was most interested in seeing. I’ve never seen the guy’s wrestling work, and heck, I only really know him because I once borrowed a WWF game from someone years and years ago, but it was satisfying to finally see him get something to do. And better way to be killed than by being set on fire?
It’s a seriously nitpicky complaint but I can’t go without saying – Stallone’s facial hair really got on my nerves. It’s not so bad when you see it at a normal distance, but when you see it up close it’s more like someone slapped a poorly trimmed garden onto his face. It’s a weird, patchy little mess that seems to be greying more than the hair on his head is. I can see what kind of look they were going for, but, sorry, it just looked really uncomfortable to me. It’s like he had black and white cactus needles growing from his chin. On the contrary, Jason Statham? His eyebrows are fascinating. If I had access to a camera that dangled in front of his face, I could just watch his expressions all day. I’m serious.
Creepy, moi?
One of the things I was concerned about was, well, was the movie worth the hype? I mean, I kind of forgot what a feat it was for all these action stars to get together in one film after about half an hour, and I was almost going to question the common consensus that the movie was chock-full of explosions since you don’t see enough of them until the climax. It’s not too bad, but one thing I felt was disappointed was how they get all these stars and make them get at each other’s throats… and then they film the fights with a shaky camera and jump-cut every two seconds. It didn’t completely ruin everything and I won’t argue that it still kept the intensity strong, but it seemed rather comparable to getting hold of Bigfoot, encouraging him (or her!) to have a sit-down interview in a coffee shop and film the event, and then you forget to take the lens cap off. When’s the next time we’ll see Jet Li and Dolph Lundgren kicking the shit out of each other without a bunch of scaffolding and a convulsive camera getting in the way of the action?
Still, I can hardly deny it was an enjoyable movie. Personally, I’m just wondering why it hasn’t got a tie-in video game yet. I’m not talking your typical 3D shooter bollocks, I’m talking old-school 80s arcade action. I mean, the movie starts with someone’s torso being blown off their legs. If that doesn’t scream Metal Slug meets Streets of Rage, I don’t know what does.
Sounds like you’ve had quite a week.