[source: http://hw001.gate01.com/otimusya/supamario.htm]

[translated by: Ragey]

Super Mario Bros.


















1985 September 13　Nintendo








I don't have to introduce this game, do I?


This timeless classic is video game history incarnate.


Nintendo sold oceans of Famicom consoles thanks to this game.




















The game's main character is Mario, don't ya know.

















Mr. Mario

Also known as the "world famous 'oyaji'"















He's also well-known for his varied careers.

















He began as a man who unclogged pipes... (the turtle was responsible)









Then a tennis referee,









A professional golfer,








Demolition man,








A doctor,









He was even a boxing referee









And he tried farming once.










But he hasn't done anything new in a long time.


Don't tell me you're getting choosy, Mario?




















He made his world debut on the Famicom,

And that game was Donkey Kong












Monkey madness







The ape had kidnapped this woman→　　And Mario set off to rescue her.


Oh, what a brave deed...


But in the sequel, Donkey Kong Jr., Mario...


Had become a villain.

















Mario's soul is as dark as blackened coal















Armed with a whip and keeping the ape in a prison,


he appeared to have trained or tamed Donkey Kong somehow.















Furthermore, Mario was also in the FC Pinball game, for some reason.












"It's a living."







There's another kidnapped damsel→　　Who he must help again...


This scenario is just like Donkey Kong.


It looks like Mario


has a fondness for chasing skirts.


Distressed damsels must be easy pickings for wooing.















Furthermore:















This man presents his love, without penalty,

to the royal family member Princess Peach→　　the ruler of the country!



But she was kidnapped, as is tradition with any woman he meets.












In such circumstances, Mario's adventure begins.














Mario is killed the moment his adventure starts by a mutant chestnut.





I'm slaughtered by a swift attack.


It seems to be a law for beginners that they must die to this first enemy.

















Keep a level head and you can crush the little ragamuffin.




















As you're well aware, if you collect the Super Mushroom→　　Mario will become


Super Mario...















And he becomes an ugly bastard.

















"Are you insulting me?"















Also, when he crouches,


he crouches like a delinquent.

















Hardass Mario















He can even sit like that while airborne.

















"I'm such a hardass gravity makes an exception for me."












Mario's power is significantly enhanced with a Super Mushroom.

























In this game you can walk on the ceiling.


It was pretty surprising at the time!














Mario on the ceiling.















As a result,


a bold move that would leave a mark upon history is born.















Historical Feat #1



















Testicles Mario!













That x11... that wouldn't be counting how many times you've 'used' that tool, would it, Mario?















Historical Feat #2



















UkoMario




















I won't comment on that...


Well, it depends→　　on how the coin is used

↑
(My excuse)

　

[An explanation: ukon (ウコン) = turmeric, a plant. Look at this and it will all become clear.]

[If it hasn't become clear: It's immature!]

An unrelated observation:

















Skip skip run run run♪














That's a questionable activity.





Mario, stop doing that.


Please. You're not going to get a bonus for humping that stalk...















...Here comes the boss.














The boss of every level, "Fake Koopa"










He's put an axe behind himself for some reason.












Let me axe you a question.










This is his last stand,


so even if he's not going to use it, just having it around will raise his fighting spirit, won't it?





But:












He can be thwarted by his own axe.














An untimely demise.












You reap what you sow, I suppose.


Heck, even the final boss has this problem.












Of course, the real Koopa is in the last level.












The real Koopa





The pattern is almost exactly like the fake incarnations.

You should have learned his pattern by now, Mario.












Koopa is defeated












I've waited all this time - I've beat Koopa, now I can see the ending!



But Princess Peach is speaking terrible things.


















In Japanese, she says

「ありがとうマリオ、あなたの冒険は終わりました

それではあなたに新しい冒険をプレゼントします

Ｂボタンを押してワールドを選んでね！」















Apparently it is too late for Princess Peach...


She has been brainwashed by the evil Koopa.







"We present you a new quest" ... what?


That's entirely unrelated!


I came to help you! I came to help you!!







Surely there is someone who can fix her poor, brainwashed mind...

　　"Kenshiro, I did not ask for her to die."

If you didn't know, there are many tricks in this game.


I'll share some of them with you.

















A present from the sky.










Is that the easiest way to do this?












Bullet Killer










I'm not sure how you do this, either.












Skating Mario










It allows you to skate... (yup, that's all it accomplishes)












Chibi Fire Mario









You've got to get hit just as you collect a Fire Flower.












Through the wall










After that, a mystifying realm is made accessible.












There are oceans man was not meant to swim.















In addition, the most difficult trick in the game,


jumping over the flagpole


is actually possible!




I've had a thousand people attempt it and only Master Takahashi could accomplish the task...


Clearly he has control over miracles.






















"I've landed in India!"












You fly too far and crash into the castle!




















Tiny-bodied Mario has this to say.



　"What a useless fucking trick!"




















The End

←These guys will take you home







(return to Random Hoo Haas)



「This content is the property of Otimusya. I have merely translated them for an English audience. For details, see the disclaimer.」