House of the Dead 2

Dalton shoots the zombie and prepares to finish it off, but science team Ellis and Nightingale move in to perform a DNA scan - this specimen is a third generation zombie and worthless to them, but they do notice it's got some pretty gnarly teeth. Perhaps they're mutating! The crew move on...

Only for another zombie to ambush O'Connor and Nakagawa! The zombie knocks aside his gun, so Nakagawa unleashes some ridiculous martial arts on the beast, but rather moronically, he gets it in a headlock and has his hand bitten for his troubles.

He takes the zombie down but the others notice his bite, though he claims it's just a scratch. Branson the medic is brought in to fix it up, but Nightingale claims they can't just slap a band-aid on an infection and raises her pistol for a head shot. The others stop her, however, as they refuse to believe that Nakagawa is a dead man walking. After all, the Special Forces know how to take care of their own men...

Goodbye, Mr. Arm!

(I'd like to point out that Dalton cuts off the arm with a machete that he's never seen using again. Hooray for wasted opportunity!)

Dalton claims that's solved it, but within seconds, Nakagawa becomes a zombie and munches on Branson's arm. Ellis strolls in and pops a cap in both their heads. Dalton radios to base that they've lost two men, and they haven't reached their actual destination yet. Expect many good things from this crew.

They arrive outside the Cuesta Verde University campus, and Dalton issues orders: Split up, look for survivors, and don't get killed. He's not a fan of paperwork.

Rodriguez, Henson and Bart are left to stick together, so they search the dormitories - Bart finds a dead guy on the floor, whom he pilfers jewellery off and then answers its phone. "Sorry darlin', John can't come to the phone right now - he's dead." Henson and Rodriguez do not approve.

The remaining units enter the library and start browsing the map, where it shows all the university buildings are connected by underground tunnels, and Nightingale comments that the zombies have been following the same patterns and routines they have when they were alive. "Except with a much bigger appetite," Dalton adds.

O'Connor and Griffin enter another part of the library where O'Connor talks about nonsense, and they spot a curious sight...

A dude reading a book! Griffin, ever the naive and trusting fellow, thinks it's a survivor and affirms his logic by claiming that zombies don't read, but whoops, it's a zombie! Ellis steps in to blow its head off. Another hyper-sapien steps into view and...

Oh, jeez.

Bart and the ladies eventually find a dorm with noise emanating from inside, but they garner no response when they shout in. To the surprise of nobody, it's just a radio and the occupant inside is dead, with a naked zombie girl traipsing about. After killing it, Bart wastes no time in exploring the wares - he pockets the guy's wallet and finds his camera, and hands it to Henson. He's not giving it to her, no sir; he wants her to take a photo of him.

"Of me... and my new girlfriend!"

Henson is repulsed by the idea, but Bart proceeds to dump more information than we need on the matter. "I bet she was a looker when she was alive... and she's not too bad now. I'd stick my dick in her, but I'm afraid what would happen."

The other group make their way to the rec room where Nightingale does a DNA scan on another zombie - this one is second generation. Ellis explains for Dalton that AMS are hoping that if they can get a blood sample of the zombie that started this whole outbreak, a first or even zero generation zombie, they can create a cure or an antibody against them. Nightingale compares it to smallpox, where the best way to defeat it is just to ensure people don't get it in the first place, and if all goes well, the zombie plague will be a footnote in the history books like with the bubonic plague. No, seriously. Also, Ellis' brother? He's mentioned again. They must be dry on conversation topics.

Bart continues to busy himself with photos of naked dead people in the dorm, while Rodriguez poses a question - if these two were infected and there's no sign of forced entry, how did they get infected? She worries that perhaps the infection has gone airborne, and immediately after Bart starts rambling about her shitty theories, he's bitten by a mosquito. Ohhhh snap!

While the other group descend a staircase, Griffin hears noises from above and follows after it, disobeying Dalton's orders to ignore it. He glimpses a girl in a white dress darting through the corridors and disappearing into a storage room, and finds her crying in a corner. Don't do it, man. You've already seen one presumably-normal person turn out to be a zombie, you've already been warned, you've got your life ahead of you, don't be such a doofus!

Of course, it's a goddamned zombie. It hops onto him and tries to claw his face off, but in a surprising moment of competence, he flings the zombie against the wall like a pro football player and it crumples into a big dead mess. Problem solved.

Oh snap, it's still alive! He manages to survive this second encounter without so much as a scratch, and locks it in a storage closet. He's survived three close encounters with zombies by now, and he's reclaimed his gun - what could possibly go wrong?

Backing up into a swinging door with a zombie waiting for him, that's what. Oh, Griffin, you had such potential.

Back in the dorm, Henson and Rodriguez ponder Bart's situation - they can't take him back to base, but despite being a bit of an unlikeable bastard, they can't leave him there. Despite badmouthing AMS just seconds ago, he claims maybe they've developed a cure already, maybe the infection can't be spread by mosquitoes, maybe the occupants were already infected when they entered the room? You have to wonder why no one thought of that last suggestion earlier, what with the fact the room wasn't even locked or anything, but the girls consider it too much of a risk to take him anywhere, so offer him a gun to kill himself with. Surprise surprise, he wants to be taken with them, and offers Rodriguez five hundred thousand dollars to take him with them, claiming if they get the blood sample and sell it they can become filthy stinking rich. Rodriguez accepts.

And then clubs him in the back of the head. Huzzah! They chain him to a radiator and leave him to rot.

The other group eventually descend into a dank basement where there's a huuuuge amount of zombies trapped behind a wire fence; the security guards with bullets in their heads indicate they lured them in there and then killed themselves before the change took place. The cage can't hold them forever so they decide to move elsewhere...

Except one of the guards comes alive and munches Dalton! He does not take this attack kindly and decides to open fire everywhere with his gun, mostly hitting the cage, until Ellis finally saves his bacon. After being saved and noticing his neck and hand coated in blood, Dalton looks at the others like a deer in headlights. "I'm okay," he claims. You know who's said that phrase so far? Everyone who got infected.

Dalton continues to stumble around and spasm occasionally, his joints stiffening and snapping, trying to convince the others that he's still A-OK, but he finally turns and gets blasted in the head. O'Connor does not take this lightly, but restrains himself to little more than being a crybaby.

Unfortunately, Dalton's dying rampage left some keen marks on the zombie cage, and they're now clawing their way out of it. They plan to make an exit, but both of the paths in one direction have zombies pouring through them; they aim to go back the way they came, but now find that the entire cage is empty.

They've got an army of zombies blocking their way, so Ellis and Nightingale let loose with their firearms. Poor O'Connor - while he's distracted by bumping into a wall, a zombie lunges at him and starts eating his fat guts out. The other two are too busy noticing that the zombies have evolved so they can chew through their armour to pay any attention to them. =(

They duck into a corridor while Ellis tries to radio headquarters and ask for a ticket out of there, but they get no response. Proceeding further into the building, they find what looks like a perfectly innocent empty corridor...

Only for zombies to invade from both sides. They don't have enough firepower to take them down with mere firearms, so they cling to the pipes on the ceiling while Nightingale flicks her lighter at a sprinkler, causing it to douse the zombies in water. Sadly, zombies are not toddlers who erupt into top priority levels of bawling should they get a little wet...

But Nightingale shoots a power generator placed on the wall, which erupts into sparks and electrocutes all the zombies. Huzzah!

Meanwhile, Rodriguez and Henson arrive back at the van, the former opening the back while the latter goes to the front to radio the base. She finds the driver who appears to be in shock and merely repeats to himself that the zombies destroyed the radio and they're so fast.

Unfortunately for Rodriguez, there's a zombie in the back of the van which leaps out and takes a bite out of her shoulder, but Henson dispatches it before any further damage is done. We're then treated to a dramatic moment where Henson blows Rodriguez's head off! Henson proceeds to cry like a big ol' baby while emotional music plays. Bawwww.

Now that her character is dog meat, I think it's worth mentioning that Rodriguez was played Nadine Velaquez, who most folk will probably recognise as Catalina from My Name is Earl! Yeah, they actually got actors with careers in on this movie.

(No harm meant, fellas! Jürgen Prochnow, you're still number one in my book.)

If you're looking for uncensored zombie nudity, look no further!