The House of the Dead

"So many dead people.

So many victims.

It started a few days ago when I came here for a rave.

And now all that remains is the rotten smell of death."

"You... you must STOP... CURIEN... or else... something terrible will happen!!"

You know you're in for a fun time when a dramatic moment is followed up by a clip from a game not exactly known for it's good dialogue.

And it's followed up by the credits with wacked-up game footage.

Expect this to be a recurring theme.

After that, we warp to reality where our narrator (Rudy) talks about his chums and how they're gathering to go off to this rave. First, we meet Greg, who played some o' dat "ball" in college and described as "doofy." Simon is said to be a good-looking moron. Is there any other kind?

Then there's the three girls of their team. Karma, who isn't described at all aside from mentioning she believes she's foxy. Alicia, Rudy's ex-girlfriend, their reason for breaking up being so Rudy could study and she could flirt without restriction. And then Cynthia, who is Greg's girlfriend, is blonde and says "like" far too many times in each sentence, so you can predict her fate pretty easily. A motley crew!

The lot of them pile onto a pier to wait for their boat to the rave, but it turns out they're fifteen minutes too late for it, so Simon demonstrates the maturity of the film by uttering "shit, we're so fucked!" S'only a rave, son, it's not the second coming. Of course, Rudy, as narrator, has to say that if they had just decided to leave it then they could all have been alive today.

Meanwhile, over at the rave which on some barren island in the middle of nowhere, everyone's having a very good time! One of the participators is phoning one of her chums but the reception on this island is apparently pretty awful, so she decides to give up maintaining contact and heads off somewhere with some jerk who keeps trying to eat her elbow. In a kinky fashion. No zombies yet.

Back at the pier, Simon steps his way onto a fishing boat and asks the first mate, Salish, if they can use it, but the hook-wielding yellow-dressed man just reminds him that it's a fishing boat and not some kind of water taxi. Captain Victor Kirk steps out to see what all the fuss is about, but decides that $600 is the only offer he'll accept to take them to their destination, but upon seeing where they're going he decides not to. See, they're going to the Isla de Muerta, which actually gets one of those haunting chimes when the name is spoken. Then Salish points out "muerta" is Spanish for "death," just to make it obvious.

Simon ups his offer to $1000, so Captain Kirk (well Greg found it funny, at least) accepts. Salish voices his worries to his captain and panics about the evil spirits on the island, but Victor basically tells him to shut up and come along anyway. But oh no, they can't! The police department are doing a routine inspection and want to check out his ship! Of course, they don't actually do a very good job and making sure it happens, merely shouting at him through a megaphone as Simon offers another bribe to Kirk and they leave the harbour.

Of course it's only after they leave that Kirk says he would've left for free, but the old lady needs apple pie once in a while. You got served, Simon, apparently.

On the island once more, the two from earlier make their way to the beach and decide to go for a swim, though naturally, only the female decides to and gets very naked, while the dude chickens out from the cold water, sits back and goes "aw yeah" due to being the watcher of a naked lady.

Back on the ship, Greg is feeling sick and manages to avert vomiting off the side. Then Simon demonstrates his low intelligence by offering him a beer to make him feel better, which prompts him to puke all over Cynthia.

It's scenes like this that almost make the movie seem cultured.

Meanwhile, naked chick and horny dude continue doing their respective activities, all the while ominous music plays and hazardous camera angles are used, which you just know will mean someone will die. Since bubbles rise up from beneath the girl, you expect her to die, but it's actually the guy, done so by the camera flashing back and forth on him with the sound of a tiger growling. For whatever reason, the swimmer gets spooked and acts like something is pulling on her, but we never find out if that's exactly what happened or just some inappropriate acting, so she heads back to land anyway, wondering where her bum chum is.

Just in case you didn't realise the ramifications, the soundtrack adds a "dun-dun" to that scene.

While Cynthia is busy cleaning her clothes (in the nip, no less), Salish invades her privacy and neither of them finds this a bother. He provides her with a cross necklace, stating it's for her protection, but she replies with "it's okay, I'm on the pill." The first mate says it's for warding off evil spirits and such like before leaving back onto the deck, but Cynthia is all "yeah whatever" and puts it down on her desk.

UPSIDE DOWN DUN DUNNNN

The island girl continues looking for her friend, dipping far into the dense forest in a demonstration of idiocy, as a zombified hand leans on a tree from afar. She soon finds herself in what looks like an ancient village, wherein lies a well, numerous graves and what appears to be a church of some variety. Momentarily forgetting she's on a barren island full of ravers that would be easy pickings for a monster, and simply how people who enter places they shouldn't be in get butchered, she decides to head on in.

And of course, the door slams behind her, she heads on anyway, and soon discovers her friend. Wait...

What's up with him?

OH NO

SHIIIIIIIT

Dramatic pan out.

er

After that quick two-second example of how badly the movie handles moments that should have nothing more than silence, we then watch two people getting their horn on. We then see something rushing through the woods, accompanied by "did you hear that?" and then blurry split-second monster attack!

Our "heroes" (so to speak) finally begin nearing the island much to the joy of rave-goers and to the silent dismay of Salish, who keeps believing there's something under the water below them. Meanwhile, it looks like the cops have followed them!

The main dudes head off into the island while Kirk and Salish remain on the beach, having seen a spot to hide their "merchandise" (oh ho ho) so when the cops do investigate they won't have anything to be busted for. The dirty dogs.

They continue proceeding inwards, eventually coming to a rather tatty plank bridge across bubbling, frothing liquid, which is surely some kind of safety hazard. A quick flash of arcade gameplay reminds us that shit will go down.

Salish informs his boss that a storm be brewing, but Victor claims it'll just ward off the police for a while and allow them to keep on loading their goods into the raft. He's asked about the kids, since to leave them behind would be pretty assholish, but he has no qualms about that at all, believing it to be better to leave and come back when the filth have vamoosed if possible. Naturally, Kirk hears a sound. A frightening sound. But ignores it anyway.

The kids find themselves in the rave area, completely abandoned and with the lights and machinery still running. Naturally, everyone believes this to be a good sign and that they can go about stealing booze and taking the spotlight for themselves. Alicia, however, finds a blood-stained garment on the ground and her suspicion is aroused, though her chums just find her fright laughable. She voices this worry to the lads, but their only problem is that there's nothing to mix the beer with.

We then pop back to the fishing ship for a bit, prompting a rather long scene where Salish struggles to open a crate and extract something from it. Something insidious no bet. I haven't actually seen the movie as I'm covering this so I've no idea.

Alicia suggests they go back to the boat or at least look for where the missing ravers are, but she's alone on this idea. Then Greg and Cynthia decide to get some sugar-sugar and honey-honey, so Karma and Simon decide to tag along with her.

While Salish is dumping the something in the forest, he hears a rustle. He calls out, believing it's just Victor, but gets no response. Taking this as meaning it's certainly not his captain, he makes a break for it but is struck by something quick and agile, forcing a scream from his lungs.

Greg sounds a disturbing amount like Joey from Friends.

I swear, it picks up later on. Keep reading.

Yes, despite writing up about a horror movie and using frequent bad language, I still censor the nudity. Gotta get people to buy the DVD for a reason, y'know.