The Fractured Fantasy of Captain N


In the medieval world of Final Fantasy, an evil plot to overthrow the reigning prince will show "a side of Captain N you have never seen", the narrator ominously proclaims as Kevin, Lana, Mega Man and Kid Icarus enter the realm. Once entering, Kevin likes the look of this world a lot, but laments how he can't go about busting bad guys since they're here for a meeting with the prince. Then suddenly, a panicked scream!

A magic-shop owner with horrible fashion sense tells the dudes that a bunch of armoured warriors robbed his magic-shop, and believes the evil Astos to be behind all this, but claims "he's a man you don't want to know" when they pry for more information. Meanwhile, a witch flies out of a warp hole and collides with Kid Icarus, and when asked for help demands to know where she can get a quarter pound of salami and some eye of newt.


"What do we look like, a mega-magic shop!?"


"No, you look like a tin can with arms and legs!"




Lana reminds them that they're late for meeting the prince, so decides to not help either individual, much to Kevin's dismay, while a monk with a pudding bowl haircut takes notice of Kevin seeing the prince and claims his obviously villainous scheme to be even better than he thought!

With the prince, they all just sit around listening to his tales of heroism and valour, which bores Kevin considerably, so he just makes an exit.


Kevin dreams out loud about how awesome he would be if he had everything the prince had, which only prompts the monk from earlier to show up and claim he can, in fact, get those for himself! Of course, he doesn't say that he'll do this by hypnotizing Kevin into doing everything he commands, and the first thing on the agenda is to help the prince catch up on his beauty sleep.


Kevin offers the prince some tainted water, who happily accepts and falls unconscious in seconds flat. Lana checks on him, only for Kevin to start laughing at this like it's hilarious, and also to mention his commanded goal of overthrowing the prince and taking his kingdom when asked what's gotten into him, making him a rather sloppy hypnotized lackey. Kid Icarus tries to snap him out of it to no avail, and Mega Man ponders how Kevin could've gotten under such heavy villainous influences.


To answer that, the monk zaps the table with lightning and appears in a warp hole, calls Kevin through and makes an exit, while our heroes look on in shock. "How do we get into these mega-messes?"


Using the magic-shop owner's "witch warp hole" to get them where they want, they soon realise they're in very water-like quick sand!


Some take this revelation worse than others.


Kid Icarus makes use of his "bow-and-rope-arrow" to get themselves out of this sticky situation, but before they can even clean themselves down, the business end of a broomstick is pointed at them! The witch deems them trespassers and if they make one small move she'll turn them into stone!


All Lana does is state who she is and she gets turned to stone. Jinkies! A spine-tingling hair-raising of a commercial break this is!


After a recap of what's been going on, Icarus asks the witch once more if she remembers then, getting a "what're you doin' in these parts?" as an answer and Lana is promptly turned back to normal. They certainly know how to kill any tension in these shows.

They fill her in on what's happened to Kevin, and the witch answers that a Light Crystal would do the trick in revealing people to what they really are, but Astos done stoled it years ago. Lana then comes up with the incredibly dynamic plan of going to the Astos' castle, stealing the crystal, rescuing Kevin and saving the kingdom, just to spell it out what'll be going on for the next few minutes.


Meanwhile, Kevin is duelling with one of the armoured warriors, not exactly achieving an awful lot until another one rushes up behind him and strikes, which only knocks away his sword. Instead of going kung-fu on their asses, Kevin pulls a cheap trick and floats into the air with his gamepad belt, then uses his Zapper to disintegrate their swords. Regardless, the monk applauds Kevin's skills and claims with the training his warriors receive, defeating the prince's army will be an easy victory!


Our heroes are observing this from afar, naturally, and Icarus and Mega Man are given the task of distracting the monk while looking stupid in one of the suits of armour, being asked if they have any experienced overthrowing kingdoms while Lana sneaks inside with a key she got off the prince earlier (which we didn't actually see at all. Plot development!).


The two are led inside to do guard duty, but a polite slap on the back sends them falling apart and revealing their ruse! The monk tries slicing Mega Man, only for him to make use of a saw blade to slice the sword itself, while the guard cuts off Icarus' armour and allows him to swipe the crystal and hand it to Mega Man as they...


Land themselves in unplanned circumstances. The bane of mankind.


Thus ensues one of those cartoon moments where the cartoons' MacGuffin is thrown from person to person, which is gratifyingly short as it ends up in the hands of the guard. The monk applauds the work of his guards, while also celebrating Kevin's work at training them...


But that ain't no guard! Lana uses the Light Crystal to undo all the wrongs; Kevin is back to his normal free willed self, the monk is revealed to be Astos, and the armoured guards are revealed to be unarmoured demon guards. That can be beaten by Mega Man jumping on their toes. Yeesh.


Astos commands his troops to catch them, and thus ensures an Awkward Song Time! Running down hallways, arriving at dead ends, being corned until convenience arrives, it's all ordinary stuff.


They even have to face a raising drawbridge, which they get past using the ability to float thanks to Kevin's gamepad belt, though Mega Man gets munched on by moat-residing crocodiles. Oh, cartoons, you so zany! Moats were filled with bodily excrements and probably the black plague, from what I've heard. Which is probably all kinds of false, but I'm here to talk about cartoons, not historic accuracy. The moon was invented in 1934.


With the day apparently saved, even though Astos and all his men were still on the large in their castle, they all return to the prince's place. The witch creates a brew that'll wake him up, but Kevin jokes that they let him sleep a little longer so they won't have to listen to his stories, but nobody's listening to him anymore. The prince wakes up, asks what's for dessert, and everyone laughs.


Lana asks Kevin if he's still jealous of the prince, but ol' Captain N says he's learnt his lesson and he's content being who he is. Lana is pleased and compliments him with "you're also a real prince," and gives him a good old fashioned kiss on the cheek.


Believe it or not, ignoring the cartoon clichés and redesigns, this is actually pretty accurate to the first Final Fantasy. The prince of Elfland is poisoned by the dark elf Astos, who's a blue hairy fellow whose ruined castle features lots of corridors and demons, and the Light Crystals are what the four heroes wield, even though they don't actually do much.


Kevin takes the jug of tainted water with him through the warp hole, but it never appears again. Major plot hole!!