Return to Castlevania


The narrator fills us in on today's top story: Simon Belmont is at an award ceremony. Not even five seconds in and we've already got the plot settled out. That's storytelling progression!

And it goes without saying that Simon Belmont is as narcissistic as ever and trying out all kinds of dippy hair styles, even though Kevin reminds him that he's getting a reward for being a great vampire hunter like his great grandfather, and not for looking like some kind of bizarro Egon.

After that incredible character development, Simon approaches the stage as the Poltergeist King appears to host the shebang, Simon kneels to accept all the riches and whatnot he is to be bestowed upon for his heroic--


"Impostor! Thwart! Thief!"

Simon worries that his hair makes him unrecognisable, but the Poltergeist King explains that Simon's great grandfather stole the glory from him after he defeated the vampires himself. This shocking revelation causes Belmont to faint into the arms of Kevin who then claims there must be some mistake, but ol' PK claims the mistake is from the House of Belmont, and promptly casts them with a thousand years of shame as he makes his exit.


With this public outburst, the invisible crowd start flinging tomatoes and other assorted vegetables at the vampire killer as he makes an exit through a convenient warp hole. Meanwhile, the Poltergeist King returns to Dracula's castle and reveals himself to no one as Dracula himself, and uses this opportunity to laugh how he will rule Castlevania from now on!

Game accuracy is for losers.

As he and his little lackey laugh over this, they see the real Poltergeist King escaping from the tower he was imprisoned in, so ol' Drac sics his lackey on him and moans about how trying to get conquest over Castlevania is just too much for one guy to handle. Of course, his lackey just disappears off-screen so he sorts matters himself by using the Poltergeist King's staff to make fire chase him back into his prison.


Things take a turn for the worse when we meet Alucard, Dracula's skateboard-slamming music-rocking lingo-abusing deadbeat kid who pulls some mad ollies on his board before his pops stops him, scolding him for not doing his guard duty and almost letting the Poltergeist King escape. Drac kicks out his kid for this, who takes it none too kindly and vows revenge with as much surfer lingo as he can muster.


Meanwhile in one of Castlevania's many graveyards, Simon is having an old sob at his great grandfather's grave, though his attempt to lean against one gets his ass zapped by a wizard who claims "rest in peace" should have no exception. However, he recognises Simon as his coincidentally identical great grandfather and states what a great old guy he was, so Kevin gets the idea of finding the Poltergeist King and telling him the whole story.


"I can help you with that, sonny! Soon as I put some life in these old bones!"


wrong bones you dumb dumb


Simon is completely oblivious to this skeleton trying to chop his ass dead, and Kevin's attempt to save him with the Zapper only hacks off a bit of it's horn, which conveniently hits the wizard on the head and allows him to remember the stone spell that kills it. Simon can only wonder what he missed out on.


Dracula, meanwhile, has seen the whole thing on his magical video ring and needs them stopped before the truth is known. Meanwhile, Simon and homies take a warp hole into the Poltergeist King's domain (apparently), which naturally stirs up the old coot to appear before them and stand over them looming as the commercial break promises vague threats!

"Even kings need to cool out once in a while!" Kevin says totally stupidly as he busts out the Zapper and shoots the ceiling, spraying down water for some reason and dousing the PK in it, which for whatever reason busts Dracula's disguise. Maybe he's one of the Signs aliens. Simon states he should've recognised Drac's "teeth marks on this dirty deal," who then responds with "speaking of teeth marks, I call these my Belmont Bashers!"


And then he laughs. For ten seconds too long.

Dracula then demonstrates his Belmont Bashers by having parts of the spiked ceiling lower one tile at a time, prompting Kevin to get the wizard to stop these things, even though they could just, you know, run on ahead. The wizard skims through his book before deciding to improvise, which only summons a warp hole and warps him outta there.


"Well, I hate to bite and run, but..."


Another five seconds of valuable time.


Dracula turns into a bat and exits stage left, while Simon gets himself into wacky antics involving the spikes, his whip and a rather loose definition of pulling force and gravity.


Before everyone's favourite vampire hunter is splatted, here comes Alucard! After proving how totally rad he is by destroying the spiked tiles with fireballs, he claims he's on their side and wants to help them out, which only frustrates his pop who's watching from above as a bat.


Alucard proves his worthiness by warping them to Dracula's secret hideaway, but fang face just enters shortly after they do. Simon tries to prove his worth by whipping a candle, somehow turning it into a boomerang which then heads straight for Dracula, who then turns it into some kind of Slimer pastiche that heads straight for them, which is then shot down by Kevin.


The tides are turned by Alucard revealing his goodness was all a very badly played ploy, resulting in a bit of mushy talk between the two vampires before Simon decides to not be stupid and knock the staff from them, prompting Alucard to summon some "dead heads," though Kevin tells Belmont to go and get the staff while he takes care of these freaks.


Drac grabs the staff but before he can use it, Simon exploits cartoon physics and manages to use his whip as a Tarzan vine, swinging through the air and booting the lord of the vampires into a conveniently placed coffin. Ever notice how coffins always close whenever something falls into them?


Kevin, meanwhile, uses leet haxxor skills to unwrap the dead heads, use their wrapping to wrap up Alucard and wrap things up by unwrapping him and sending him spinning into another coffin. Wrap.




With the Poltergeist King rescued off-screen and the wizard being brought back from wherever it was he went to, Simon can finish off his award ceremony, going into long tangents about how great and handsome he and his great grand-father were, which bores just about everyone. The wizard, however, knows a spell that can shut people up, and proceeds to turn him into a mummy, prompting Kevin to laugh way too much at Simon struggling to breathe.

Dracula is actually only referred to as The Count throughout the series, but come on, who else is it gonna be? Certainly ain't Morbius.


What was the whole point of entering the Poltergeist King's cave?


The Poltergeist King is voiced by Long John Baldry. This is pretty mundane trivia, but since he voices Robotnik in Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog and he uses the exact same voice, which is a voice I love, my nerdism demands it be noted.


I would love a tombstone with Trevor's dopey grinning face on it.