Finishing the Legend of Zelda
Part 2
01 May 2012
Segment 1
Explaining my absence
...
Gadzooks! Am I still here?
Um. Yes. I'm afraid I am.
No, I didn't fall asleep for four years (though that has happened before); I just never got around to continuing where I left off! I've done all manner of stupid crap for the website and in general since I did the first dungeon, but poor ol' Link never got a glance. Which is kind of surprising, since this one section actually got, like, three emails from people saying that they liked it and wanted to see more of it! Which is more than I've received regarding any other General Writing.
No, I'm serious, for a site that rarely gets emails, like three folks took their time to email me and say that they liked this one. On one hand it's a bit sad that a big ol' website barely gets emails, but on the other hand I'm kinda chuffed! Thanks to all the folks who expressed interest - I might get through this game sometime before my hair falls out!
That said, I did manage to play the game a little and explore some more during the month before this continuation, and although I never actually found any dungeons, I did get myself slightly more acquainted with the realm of Hyrule. Not so much that I know every nook and cranny and can speedrun my way through the forest in under eighty parsecs, but I know what a few of the caves contain now.
...
Yep.
I never said I accomplished much during my exploration!
With my newfound knowledge of the Zelda world, let us VENTURE FORTH
AND MURDER THIS OCTOROK
Segment 1
Finding the next dungeon
First attempt
During my testruns in the previous month, I discovered some neat stuff way up in the top-right corners of the map, so that's where I'm headed. Not that I'm expecting to find the next dungeon there, but I want to show that I actually know a little bit of the game by now!
Like, these guys? I still don't know if they're Peahats or Sleestaks or what, but I do know that they're vulnerable only when they've come to a complete stop. Never knew that before!
And these statues? If you push them in a certain order then you--
OKAY I NEVER SAID I WAS FULLY EDUCATED
And attention-starved shopkeepers still spoil my dreams of stumbling upon a dungeon. If he offered dungeons for sale, though, I'd be all over him.
At last, I approach the very place I've been looking for!
A cave with an old guy who wants me to deliver his love letter!
...
Look, I never said it was a good discovery. I've only left the game totally untouched for over four years, man. I think I'm entitled to get a little excited over discovering crap like this.
With that out of the way, I'm now back to having no idea where to go or what to do. Marvellous! It's like nothing's changed!
WHOA HOLY SHIT I'M TRIPPIN' OVER DUNGEONS HERE
Oh, for god's sake. I'm already delivering your love letter, buddy, I've got no time to fuel your gambling debts.
...
I demand a refund.
I get the impression you're not expected to be this high up on the map so early, so I'm trekking down the way. And slaughtering these monsters for money. THIS IS WHAT YOU'VE STARTED, OLD MAN.
No, seriously, it's a damned sad sight, seeing a young boy stabbing wildlife in the dire hope they've swallowed some spare change.
Oh, hey, I'm back at the start of the game! Hey, I wonder where the old man is still there. I bet he's got a wicked new sword for me or something.
YOU'VE ABANDONED ME OLD MAN
Oh, man, I think I've found the old woman who the letter is for! I bet she's gonna teach me how to be a wizard or something rad.
Or she'll sell me some potions. Awesome. I hike halfway across the land for this and I still have to pay for it.
Hey, man, can I bum some change off you for potions from a crazy lady in a cave? I'll bring it back I swear
THAT WAS MY UNDOING
Second attempt
Haha, I just remembered that this save file was named BABBS. Man, I'd give anything to go back to being ABBBA. Or even DOOR. That's a door that'd induce fear into the easiest of pants-wetters.
While I'm up here, I might as snoop out any exciting stuff in the mountain area. Could be dungeons lurking under a bush or something!
NOT THE BOULDERS NOT THE BOULDERS AAAAAAAA
Oh snap, a secret cave protected by a centaur dude!
And he takes like a gazillion hits to defeat! Nothing me and my boomerang can't solve in an unfair fight. I bet there's gonna be something awesome in that cave. Like a gold cup or something.
...
MAN!!
What the hell, buddy?! I'm masterin' this sword like nobody's business! Check it, projectile blades. If that ain't mastered, I don't know what is.
... not convinced?
Man, that was a real kick in the teeth. Having a super charged sword after only one dungeon would kick major tail, man. It'd be like having a level 50 Charizard before you've beaten Brock.
Also, this isn't helping.
You know, I just noticed that waterfall isn't moving. That's kind of spooky. It's as if the very world has stopped spinning. Ganon's wicked reign has not only cast a swarm of brutish monsters and ravenous vermin upon the land, but frozen the land in a state of petrified ruin. Grass no longer grows; the water no longer flows. The populace is mostly wiped out or chased out, and those who remain behind can only seek refuge in caverns and trenches out of sight of Ganon's troops. A wretched husk of a land that seeks a true hero to rise up and bring forth a new golden age.
Mind you, it's a bit hard to believe that when I was robbed by one person and then denied the privilege of a wicked new sword by another.
AAAAAAA GET THOSE BOULDERS OUT OF MY FACE
Sniffing out this coastline for dungeons.
Oh, wow, remember back in part 1 when I stumbled across a dead end early on? I'm on the other side! I bet I'm gonna learn some cryptic shit in this cave!
... I was right!
Well, uh, this is totally helpful. I haven't found any graves, and to be quite frank, I'm not sure if I'd like to meet the old man there. Sounds like he'd have some sinister intentions.
While stabbing some dudes in the face, I got a clock!
A clock that freezes time! Or at least gives Link superhuman speed! Oh man, if this game had detailed graphics we'd probably see him pulling some crazy Matrix bullshit on these guys. Or probably Children of the Night bullshit. "I love being me!"
Oh no. Not again.
If I read my "Cryptic Hints" guidebook correctly, seeing a tree sprout blue leaves is a sign that A DUNGEON'S GONNA BE REAL NEARBY
... close enough?
Oh snap, a solution to the looping screens! I'M GONNA CRACK YO' CODE, FOREST
The obstacle is overcome! Virgin lands, never explored before by man or beast! Except the ones living there!
I CLAIM THIS LAND IN THE NAME OF BABBS
I don't think the locals approved.
Third attempt
Okay, so, I think I know where the next dungeon is... but I CAN'T ENTER IT WITHOUT
THIS PIECE OF PAPER.
...
Yeah, I'm not even sure why I ventured all the way out here just to reclaim the letter. I don't think I'd even need any potions, never mind have the money to afford any. I... I just wanted to look like I knew what I was doing. :{
In trying to find my way back to the looping forest, I encountered areas I'd never seen before!
... which is really an optimistic way of saying I'M LOST AS HELL
Peahats, what are you doing on this screen? I don't remember you on this screen! GET OFF THIS SCREEN
Okay, it hasn't been shown, but this Zora's been bugging me for a long time, and I'm gonna stab the hell out of it if it's the last thing I do.
Ow.
RETREEEEAT
I blunder into every enemy there is! My sword swings in pathetic swipes in a dire attempt to fend them off! But there's too many of them...!
And the world grows dark...
Fourth attempt
I'm beginning to think I have no idea what I'm doing.
Right, so, let's head back to looping forest and see if I can
...
what
you mean
you mean that a dungeon was just to the right
off-screen
this entire time?
...
MAAAAAAAN
Segment 3
Completing the third dungeon
First attempt
So I guess I'm in the third dungeon, judging by that "LEVEL-3" in the top corner! Awesome. I fart around for half an hour and I just find out I'm sequence breaking. THIS PLAYTHROUGH HAS GONE SO WELL
Oh snap, a new brand of foe! I care not for their finely crafted fighting techniques - as long as I have a boomerang and a sword, I can lay waste to any beast before me!
AW SHIT IT'S NOT WORKING
I ended up having to bomb their faces, and even that was spotty. Turns out you're meant to attack them from any angle but the front. Pshaw. That's a chump tactic. Using eight bombs to kill three guys is totally the way to go.
AW NAW
I was killed by lethal floating disco balls. Look, don't ask, that's what happened.
Second attempt
Hey, man, I tried to get that thing off him, but he wouldn't give! I parked my ass on the tip of the blade to show how badass I was (and how bad my ass was), but no dice. Don't tease me, man. Don't tease me.
Oh, haha, secret Nazi map.
OH NO NOT AGAIN
Oh crap, it's the boss already! This monstrocity's called Manhandla, isn't he? I always thought that was a hilarious name. It's also a frightening looking creature. Like, what the hell. Does it have eyes? Does it have legs? It can move, so it's got some sort of propulsion, but it's basically a squirming, writhing mass of snapping claws. A giant squirming, writhing mass of snapping claws. That's exactly the sort of thing you wouldn't want to be locked in a room with. Like, holy crap.
... and one bomb is all it needs to be killed. Oy. I'll credit the other Zelda games with this much: Usually the bosses require more than one attack to defeat.
LOOKIT ME MA I GOT A TRIANGLE
Welp. It only took an afternoon and a whole heap of wasted time, but I now have two pieces of the Triforce and an extra heart container. There's only six dungeons left, but plenty of adventure left to be found!
Conclusion
I really am acquiring a taste for the game. Sure, the complete lack of direction and cryptic hints do result in a lot of aimless wandering around, but it's fascinating just exploring the little 8-bit realm. Besides, when you discover something new, even just a new location, there's a genuine sense of accomplishment, no matter how minor. It helps that it's an overworld with things worth finding. What was there to see on Twilight Princess's world map, honestly?
Mind you, I'm still wondering what I've actually accomplished so far, though. Thanks to dying and restarting, I never held onto the paper from the old man; I didn't buy any medicine; I didn't pay the woman for her advice; I didn't meet up with the old man at the grave; and I didn't even fully explore the dungeon. Man, I did shit in this bit!
