RANDOM HOO HAAS .:. General Writings: Unfinished Works (volume 2)

The original intro I wrote to this piece was almost startlingly cynical, discussing my relationship with the site and how I always seem to worry myself silly trying to get content for it, and as usual, didn't really seem to talk very much about the subject at hand - here's some unfinished stuff of mine!
See, while I often have grand ambitions for projects and activities, I'm terrible at actually holding onto them. I always hold onto my unfinished work and notes, no matter how terrible, in the hopes that sooner or later it'll actually become useful or serve as inspiration to finish it off at some point. Quite often I just start something new and then ditch that just as callously. Welcome to my cycle of frustration!
This is some stuff that I had a mild interest in finishing it simply so I could happily brush it aside from my mind, but I feel it's more bold of me to declare it totally unfinished - without a chance in hell of ever getting completed. Expect poorly-polished ideas! And just for giggles, some unfinished doodles are strewn along the sides with commentary. I can't fill the Stupid Stuff section with those forever.

There's something deliciously stupid about games where your primary goal is to gather the hell out of every collectible in sight. Maybe it's how you're always pursued by relentless beasts, or the sheer joy we as humans feel about being greedy, gluttonous bastards - or the implication that they're chasing you BECAUSE your character is a ravenous eat-beast. It changes Pac-Man from a surreal tale of a living pizza eating crumbs whilst on the run from ghosts into a tragic tale of a man who has escaped from a FOOD ASYLUM. For people who EAT LOTS OF FOOD. And, like, they're trying to bring him back.

Pac-Man is much more interesting when you just see it as a drug analogy. Which is the polar opposite for every song ever made.

one of my ideas that never got off the ground was an opinion piece on why skeletons are so often seen as bad guys. it didn't go anywhere because I realised I was the only one who cared

We as human beings are unoriginal, uninspired creatures (of all the animals to steal biology from, we chose apes? WHERE MY ANTLERS AT) and video game developers are doubly so, they all decided to hop on the bandwagon and thus made third-person eat-em-ups into a valid genre, making Pac-Man the pioneer of a new breed of video games and not just the dorky kid who didn't want to be a space shooter. Some took the whole damn template and just changed a few visuals, some removed the grid and kept the crap-collecting, while others just mixed things up in general.

hey s'up i'm a hunchback

I started this one around the same time as Dark Tower, where I was sorting through arcade games I'd downloaded and judging which ones were worth keeping or at least worth commenting on. I guess the idea of a corpulent bear gobbling up indistinct red shapes while on the run from living trees and spheres with faces seemed funny enough to write about, even if I never actually got around to talking about the game itself. Seriously, that's as far as I got. No notes, no jokes, no nada. I think I became discouraged from continuing it when I realised, whoops, people actually like the game! I guess knowing that what I was writing about wasn't actually obscure, forgotten title was a bit of a turnoff, so I dropped it. I do love that opening, though.

Video games these days try very hard to get you to care about the characters, and the first example that springs to mind is the Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. The obscenely long introduction period where no action, fighting or dungeon exploring takes place (it's the best part of the game if you love goat herding, though) is painful enough as it is, but the player is bludgeoned over the head with romantic implications between Link and some generic girl whose name I can barely remember, with lots of soft focus, coy smiles and yawn-inspiring interactions.

I have very little time to see this character, and even less time to give a damn about her, but all the lovingly motion-captured animation of them bumping into each other and blushing only serves to say, hello, we demand you find this adorable. I should not be told to like a character. I should legitimately like a character not because the authorial intent was "you'll like this character!", but because their natural traits make for a person worth caring about.

Enemies are a diverse bunch in video games. Think about it. Modern games tend to have their foes set in the realm of basic sense and human instinct, with big dudes with guns or giant monsters off to bite your knees off or something unpleasant, but outside the realm of generic first-person-shooters they tend to get a little more varied. Giant vegetation with eyebrows and fangs are seen as commonplace, sentient shoes have popped up in a fair number of games, and, let's face it, everything is your enemy in a video game. And hey, how about that Super Mario Bros.? The fucking sun swooping down and trying to kill you dead? Yeah, that's pretty gnarly.

This is where I awkwardly segue into talking about Yoshi's Island, and talk about how it's an incredible game and also has a varied selection of bizarre enemies such as morbidly obese seagulls, seed-spitting monkeys and smarmy frogs, but there is one that tops them all.

Stage 2-5. "Look Out For Lakitu!". It's an okay stage. It's not one of my favourites, nor is it one I could actually remember off-hand - it begins with a path of precarious land that can easily be destroyed with eggs or ground pounds, with the titular Lakitu pestering you from above. Admittedly the cloud-riding goon isn't even that much of a nuisance; it's only when you're aiming for a 100% score that he becomes a foe worthy of calling rude names. In fact, if it weren't for the enemy I'll be discussing in the next paragraph, I'd dare say the only highlight about this level would be the fact you can transform into a train, ride along crayon train tracks and get pursued by living graffiti. Surreal!

This enemy is entirely unique to this one level (as far as I know, not that I actually did any research or anything) and makes no attempt of directly harming Yoshi. Yes, colliding with it will damage you, but it is not malicious, violent or immoral. One can stand by it all day and it will just ignore you, delighting itself with its endless playtime.

a cactus weeps as Yoshi steals the shit out of its bouncy ball in Stage 2-5, October 26, 1995 This one's been kicking around for nearly two years and I've just never managed to achieve a simple and straight-to-the-point way of expressing my love for this cactus. How hard can it be? It's a big smiley-faced cactus that spends all its time throwing a ball into the air, and if you steal its ball it gives an expression like the Nazis invaded Paris. It's as simple as that, yet I've had to drum my way through my ridiculous parade of small-talk, unrelated topics and basically skirting around the issue for five paragraphs before I finally get talking about it. The original document only had a couple of finished paragraphs but most of it was just rough notes, so this is almost entirely stuff I wrote right now. I think it's for the best this never got finished, as, yes, it's a fantastic enemy, but I don't think I could dedicate an entire page to it.

just in case you needed more proof i don't know how human bodies work

Salutations. My name is Professor Nana Edgar Dorothy XVIII LTD. I am a qualified professor at the University of Cambridge and have trekked to many of Earth's darkest corners. I have explored the world in a never-ending quest for knowledge and experience, but I also like doing it just because it's hardcore. I personally believe that journeying to such wretched depths of the earth and conquering their challenges just acts as living proof that mankind are the master of all that lives upon this planet - the British especially.

My latest expedition is the climbing of Icicle Mountain: It has never been scaled by any man, and all that try barely make it far before they simply vanish, never to be heard from again - at least, that's how the tales go, anyway. I, personally, do not care for old wives' tales and superstition, and the fact mankind is still afraid of the unknown makes me want to laugh. Laugh until my teeth rattle! I will climb this mountain and place my beacon upon the top, and forever more will people know that every challenge god's green earth presents us, mankind will rise to conquer it.
Assisting me in my journey of self-importance is Associate Popo Percival Paddy Pete XXIV. He has sided with some high-calibre explorers and aided many of them tremendously in their journeys - not without incident, mind you, but he is a noble comrade and, in my book, is always an appreciated asset. He's a stout, strong young man, but I mostly value him for his thick skull. You know mankind are a force to be reckoned with when even their brain boxes are a dangerous weapon.
Tomorrow morning we shall arrive at Icicle Mountain. I have no fears or doubts in my mind, and can only expect utmost success.

you'll be seeing a lot of that generic 'old photograph' texture along the way!

We have arrived at the foot of the mountain. We are equipped with sturdy mallets, ice picks, scaling ropes and unstoppable determination. If all goes well, by sundown we shall have travelled--...
What kind of mountain is this? Nobody told me there'd be any jumping involved!
Seriously, what on earth? Being a professional ice climber and overall adventurer, I was expecting a pleasant bit of legitimate climbing of ice. One does not climb by jumping into the air. It's just nonsense, my dear boy.
Popo tells me the ice ceiling looks to be fairly thin, and a sound smash of a mallet should grant us access to the floor above. While a sound theory, I hold my health in high regard. Just like how you should not be running with scissors, you should not be jumping and hopping like a jitterbug boogie whilst wielding a mighty large mallet in your hands. Goodness knows what kind of damage that could cause to your cranium or your toes. I, however, have a better idea.
i'm still miffed at how cheaply made that throwing sprite is

i'm still miffed at how cheaply made that throwing sprite is

Popo hoisted me upwards with a scaling rope, and I immediately noticed a large moving shape behind him, which appeared to have crawled its way out of a cave. From the research I had done beforehand, I had not expected to see any life on this uninhabitable tower of ice; mind you, we're only a few metres up the mountain so the weather hasn't gotten that bad yet, but my point remains. Arctic wildlife of all kinds are renowned for their ferocity, however, so I approach it carefully with my mallet at the ready.

Would you believe I actually planned to make more Crocodile Man adventures? This one was meant to be a big multi-man project with my chums; I'd make two panels but only send the second one to him, he'd do the same and send his to someone else, and so on. This was as far as it got.

Fun fact! That's a Zoda costume (fromF-Zero) that Crocodile Man is wearing. Now you know.

the topis would've come into the story later, but pfft, who cares, right?

I finally encountered the creature in good light. It was a seal! This came as an honest surprise to me, not just because of my aforementioned unawareness that this mountain supported life, but also how a sea-based mammal could be found so far from its natural habitat. I have no qualms with them living on land, but my belief was that they liked to be within comfortable reach of water. Already I have learnt a fascinating new fact about seals - everything we know is cobblers!
Also of great interest was the fact that the seal paid no attention to me or my comrade, but instead plodded its way towards the hole we made. Inspecting the damage, it proceeded to return to its cave and make its way back to the hole, now nudging a slab of ice with its nose. The seal is actually repairing the hole! This is very intriguing. Most creatures will emigrate or just die out like little wusses if you damage their environment, but this creature appears to make an active job of repairing its fragile location. I can see this becoming a subject of heated debate in the realm of wildlife investigation.
i mean i never even got around to working in the polar bear, but i remembered the topis? where my priorities at man

i mean i never even got around to working in the polar bear, but i remembered the topis? where my priorities at man

Popo queries the motive of my actions. All in the name of science, my dear boy.

I can't help but notice how irregular this mountain is. Yes, that is a definite understatement when this is not so much a mountain as it is a series of floors stacked on top of each other, only supported by cave walls to the left and right. But my current predicament is the mountain's naturally formed conveyor belts.
there were so many instances i wanted to use GIFs but having them take along a film camera in that era would've been a bit silly

there were so many instances i wanted to use GIFs but having them take along a film camera in that era would've been a bit silly

I don't know what to say. I just do not know what to say. Presumably because I'm currently preoccupying myself with running like hell, but also because I was seriously under the belief that conveyor belts were not part of nature, but a manmade construct used for the convenient shifting of goods. As far as I can tell, this is entirely natural, and entirely bizarre.
i suppose i should've chosen a year so i could know what references i could make and which i couldn't

i suppose i should've chosen a year so i could know what references i could make and which i couldn't

Don't get me started on the clouds. Good god, don't get me started on the tangible clouds. My grasp on reality is loose enough as it is.

Popo and I have been trekking for a long, long time now. Be it hours, days or weeks, I am not sure, but I can tell for certain that the mountain's howling winds and bitter coldness are testing our might to the limit. Popo remains optimistic, and while I keep envisioning my goal as best as I can, but I cannot help but feel a tingle of dread.

]I have explored many landscapes, including the far eastern mountains, the western prairies, the coast of Kuumail and a brief stint beneath the surface of the sea, but this place just fascinates and frightens me. Its outlandish structure and misplaced wildlife (judging from only one creature, mind you), it is most perplexing.

WHAT IS A BEE DOING ON MY MOUNTAIN
Pardon my François, but WHAT THE FUUUUUUU

I might just have to call poppycock on this predicament. Absolute poppycock.

Onward we travel. Basic communication with my partner is difficult, thanks to the roaring blizzard that has permanently engulfed this mountain. As Popo and I make our ascent, I hear the distant sound of beating wings amidst the bitter winds. Given our experience so far, I cannot help but feel a tingle of dread; I'm still fearing the return of that monstrous bee, but should anything else exist out in the yonder, it may very well be what drives me over the edge.

In my earlier moments of terror, I was almost expecting a hideous winged ice serpent to be trailing us. Popo claims no such thing exists, but he clearly didn't know of giant spear-carrying bees before we began this expedition. I don't believe his opinion is worth investing trust in. This white-breasted little fellow appears to be quite the friendly character! He has been circling us for quite some time, constantly giving us a wide-eyed optimistic look. I feel it is our good luck charm, to inspire us to reach the top and see all that this mountain has to offer.

And heaven's corks, would you look at the size of it! It must be bigger than a great dane! And given the fact it appears to be nesting in this desolate mound of ice and sleet, it must have strength and willpower beyond any common or garden jackdaw. I might have to say this is the most intriguing discovery I've made in our journey so far - something that isn't trying to kill us.

see, prominent eyebrows! no nose in sight, though

This one began near the end of 2009, and I actually had high hopes for it. Ice Climbers is a thoroughly unenjoyable game despite how simple the concept is (which is rather annoying since I feel it could actually have been done well), but there's plenty of ridiculous elements to write about, especially when approached from the perspective of these supposedly aristocratic characters. Admittedly some of the writing got a bit tedious, but I genuinely enjoyed working on this if just for the change of pace, though I can hardly imagine anyone actually reading it to the end if it were finished. I never even got talking about the eggplants!
If this were finished I would have the page decked out like a piece of old, aged paper, presented like Nana's journal, but I think one of the main reasons I ditched this was how image-heavy it would eventually become. It didn't help I'd planned to actually get a chum to draw the scenes in question for me, rather than just relying on crappy old pixels under filters, but them's the breaks when wanting to churn this stuff out.

You'd think a compilation of unfinished content wouldn't take long to make, but this actually took way longer than it should've. Why did I think it was a good idea to try and make this stuff look more finished than it was originally? What kind of backwards thinking is that? My kind of backwards thinking, that's what.