Tony the Tiger

2nd Class Villain in 1st Class Post

 

Today's introductory ramble with only a tenuous relation to what the bulk of the text is about will be how I never wake up early enough to have breakfast. See, either supper still occupies me until lunch, or I just have lunch early. Everyone says that you should have four meals a day, but at the same time the only one they give a hoot about is breakfast, claiming it's the most important. The problem is that we're never told what exactly makes breakfast the most special. Is it the fact you're eating as soon as you wake up (which I rarely do because I'M NOT A FATTY BOOM BOOM)? Is it because breakfast mostly consists of things like toast and cereal and not the assortments of meat and crap associated with lunch and dinner? Or is it because breakfast often has mascots that parade around spouting out their nutritional value and how much wheat they're made out of? You don't have anthromorphic sausages dancing and singing about how great they are for growing bones. Probably for good reason.

 

Furthering the breakfast bias, their mascots not only have animated television commercials that are better looking than today's cartoons, they have toys, clothing accessories, comic book advertisements, and even a video game or two. Heck, those comic book advertisements even take a further step into making them more awesome. And in today's example, Tony the Tiger, normally your sports-endorsing shouting person, is a secret undercover base-owning super spy. Who'd have thought?

 

"The spare parts have arrived sir."

And we can see that it is called 2nd Class Villain In 1st Class Post. Just in case I didn't write it big enough earlier on.

Seriously, look how hard this is doing to emphasise how super spy-like Tony is - he's got that foreboding blue/yellow tinted cave backdrop, he's got a butler who's got one of those butler-exclusive moustaches, and he's got a box of ominous spare parts. Spare parts for what, I dare ask!

 

"Thank you Diddit. Let's put them down by the stairs."

TOTALLY AWESOME SPY-MOVE ROPE-SWINGING ENTRANCE

You'd think being a Batcave-owning super spy he'd have something stealthy to wear instead of having that bandana as his only item of clothing. Bright orange tigers don't exactly blend into the background, y'know. Maybe he should've had a cat suit.

The elusive box of spare parts, however, are ignored and just shoved aside to the stairs, without even so much a mention as their contents. I mean, what could they be for? What could be inside? Where on Earth does one buy a three-foot tall box of nondescript spare parts, and for how much? The world may never know.

 

Inside the box. "Hee, hee, hee, my plan has worked."

Or maybe we'll find out on the very next panel. It's Cheetah! Tony's arch nemesis created only for this series of comic-exclusive print advertisements and seen nowhere else! And he's got a dastardly plan in mind!

This really just calls into question how, why, or where Cheetah got himself in a box, managed to have it sent to Tony's secret headquarters without even a quick security check, and what kind of spare parts he removed to be able to fit inside. I bet it was spare jetpack parts. Spare parts he could've used.

I am never going to shut up about those goddamned spare parts.

 

OH SHI TONY HE'S GONNA STEAL YOUR SECRET FROSTIES RECIPE

But more importantly, Diddit and Tony are working on top secret plans! Plans that could be making use of their spare parts! Let's take a closer look.

Apparently those plans require two Super Mario pipes and an oversized cartoon bolt.

That's disappointing.

But now I have a new question: What the hell has Diddit got in his hand? It looks like a.... bird with a flower for a head. Slightly. I refuse to believe until we see it up close with a mandatory starburst backdrop.

 

ALARM!

It's too late to worry about that, Cheetah's got the recipe and belting it out of there! And being a cheetah, there's no way a common ground mammal like Tony the tiger can catch up with his speedy ass. Looks like you've been busted, Tony! You're no good for cereal promotion anymore. The Sugar Puff Monster will take over your role and you will be left homeless on the streets.

 

"Cheetah by name, cheater by nature"

Tony's not too concerned, and quite happily pontificates about his opponent's God-given demeanour.

Tony looks hilarious from that angle. And his nose appears to be trying to take over his face.

 

Quick sir, he's getting away.

Diddit catches onto his space-filling BS and reminds him that he's almost out of a job. However, just like everyone so far, he doesn't seem too horrified by this scenario, eschewing the desire for an exclamation mark. In fact, no one at all has used any form of exclamation! The bloody alarm is the only one at all worried about this. Even Cheetah, in his moment of recipe-snatching glory, has used an unexcited full stop for his evil snickering while inside the box.

In unrelated news, I forgot this panel even existed until I was cropping these images out.

 

"Mind the steps Dr Cheetah." SLIP SLIDE. The stairs flatten - sending Dr cheetah back into his box. Mummeeeeeeee

Oh, so it's Doctor Cheetah. You could've told us earlier, Tony.

Being a well-equipped super spy, Tony has a solution for every predicament, and in this case takes advantage of his cartoon collapsing staircase. And Cheetah, quite ironically, is foiled by the very thing that let him into the base in the first place.

This really gets me wondering about Dr. Cheetah, though. Did he even have an escape route planned? I mean, I guess it was sheer luck that the box of spare parts (still missing!) was placed within convenient distance of both the Frosties recipe and the collapsing stairs, but when you're dealing with a jerk like Tony you're best avoiding anything like that, as they always have the most ludicrous of traps planted in everything. Of course, I'm sure if he just went dashing for the door he would've been flung into the Himalayas by an invisible spring pad or something, so breaking your ribs on a collapsing staircase slide sounds like the better option. Plus if he really wants that Frosties recipe, maybe he should've just looked at it inside the containment cage. It wasn't rolled up, so all he'd need is a camera and a way to escape without comedic injury. For supposedly being a doctor of evil, Cheetah isn't very bright.

Also, why does he need an eye patch? Is it typical villain dress code, or did Tony do unspeakable things to his orb of sight? Poor Cheetah.

 

"See Diddit, I told you Dr Cheetah was a slippery customer."

Groan.

I love how Diddit's slapping his head like that. I like to believe he's trying to remove all memory of this pun. Can't blame him, really.

 

"Now all the kids can continue to enjoy the great taste of Frosties." "Help meee"

The Frosties recipe is returned to its rightful place, Dr. Cheetah is sticky taped inside the box, and the status quo is returned to normal once more.

It'd be hilarious if Dr. Cheetah didn't drop the recipe but was still trapped inside the box. That twist would be demanding of a two-part continuation!

 

"Send that 2nd class villain in 1st class post."

Oh, Tony, that is shameful. Not only do you contradict your "handle without care" label by sending your nemesis in 1st class post, but you repeat the same joke as the title. It's like naming a story after its ending! It's the equivalent of call Pulp Fiction "that shootout in the café you see at the beginning ends okay without much hassle." Then again I haven't seen that movie in years so maybe people did get shot. The most I remember is something being up a guy's ass for years.

nyoro~n :3

Also, this panel made me realise that if you edit out Tony's gaping mouth, he looks so much funnier.

 

"And talking of 1st class, these Froties are GRRREAT!"

But before he goes onto his regular spy activities (or whatever it is he does in that headquarters of his), he gives his contractually obligated approval of how tasty Frosties are, along with his catchphrase. I find it amusing how after spending the whole story being sleuth-like with his rope-swinging and wise-cracking and all, he just sits down for bowl of Frosties. Not even eating them while hang gliding or skateboarding or throwing slam dunks like the TV commercials suggest.

 

And that is one of Tony's many ventures into foiling Dr. Cheetah's plans. If I actually bothered to remember any details of the comic I scanned it from, they ran during 2001-ish, and they must've done at least four advertisements, if not more. I would scan the rest if I had the patience, and actually knew which comics to actually bother looking in. Not to mention that they're not very good, are they? More reason against actually doing anything with them.

They should totally have made Captain Birdseye an advertisement series of comics where he wrestles sharks or something.