Ultimate Teacher


Spring 1988. The Baio Marriage License Bureau. A picturesque wedding is taking place, and everyone involved is having a grand old time. Even the gossiping women aren't spoiling the mood. Surely nothing could ruin this perfect event, right?


Well, aside from people being thrown through a wall, one of the ladies being embedded in the ceiling and the married couple flying headfirst into the humongous wedding cake. Ouch. Underground, soldiers and scientists are on high alert, apparently searching for "X-B," claiming its escape could mean "the greatest disaster scenario in historyyyy!"

One scientist, Professor Karima, demands they call in the army to find their specimen, but then that would spoil the ruse of an innocent license bureau actually being a genetics experiments laboratory!


Cue dramatic lightning.


1991, a suburb of Tokyo. The varied townsfolk are going about their morning activities; African warriors jogging, Indian chieftains sweeping leaves, Sergeant Slaughter waking up to a fine morning, and Hinako Shiratori making her way towards the bus stop. While waiting there, however, a peculiar individual appears nearby.


Ganbachi Chabara.


The caped creepy dude is looking for an institute of learning, Teioh High School, to be precise, where "the best scientific brains on earth are making world-shattering discoveries," and threatens violence against them for "rearranging" him. Despite the blatant threats and odd attitude, Hinako has no qualms showing him the path and watches him scuttle along the wall.


Teioh High School is a bit of a dump however. A ruined, collapsing shambles, the campus grounds littered with wrecked cars and oil drums. The place is so badass that it has plenty of gravestones for deceased teachers, some of which are apparently zombies. Ganbachi is impressed. Principal Suzuki introduces himself to him, and explains that he had tried his best to make the students into upstanding citizens, even attempting to make them enjoy the work of Mozart and embrace philosophy, but he breaks into tears to emphasise just how well that went.


Ganbachi is disgusted with how pathetic and weak the principal is - anyone who wishes to control these kids has got to have a firm fist! Ganbachi's been programmed by experts, so now it's his turn to dole out the wisdom; he's dying to see how the rebellious punks act when he's standing at the front of the class!

Of course, even just going down the hallway to the classroom further demonstrates how much power the kids wield. Ganbachi brings down a wall, revealing a plethora of human skeletons. And bats, just for a bit of atmosphere.


Before he enters, he shoves the principal in first, lending him the suffering of tons and tons of teapots falling on his bonce, and a kettle for finishers. Ganbachi enters only after that's finished and mocks the pupils for believing he'd fall for the bottle-on-the-door trick, only for a statue to fall on him. Umekuchi and Kansuke mock the teacher's confidence while Ryuichi Watanabe calls for the pupils to start pummelling the shit out of him.


Ganbachi ain't standing for that! He tosses the statue through the wall and proceeds to rain pain upon the entire class, burying them in a heap on the floor. And with that demonstration of punishment, fear and pain out of the way, he proceeds to wax poetic about Hinako, claiming her to be a true representation of peace and loveliness - and that's what he wants these punkass students to be like. And their first task is to clean up the mess.


Hinako arrives and calls off Ganbachi's order; she's the leader of the students and there's no way she's allowing anyone else dishing out orders. The teacher's certainly not pleased with that, he thought she was different from these violent goons! She claims she's proud to be that capable, and the two have a brief aerial duel, but Ganpachi pulls a sneaky move that gives her a leg cramp.

Hinako is mocked for her attempts at resisting his education, and to set an example for the rest of the class, prepares to beat her up and embarrass her in front of the whole class (well, he specifically says he'll spank her, but considering he pulls a flying kick I think he's doing it wrong), but a quick opening of the window sends Ganbachi plummeting to the ground from several stories up. The students are all too pleased with this turn-out...

But he's gone! His outline is in the pavement, of course, but the teacher has vanished. Surely he couldn't have walked away from a Looney Tune antic like that, right?

Yes, apparently! And he's mighty pissed. He explains that he's in no mood to just beat up Hinako, as that still allows others to look up to her as a role model - he wants to embarrass her, strip her of her dignity, prevent her from ever wanting to show her face at the school again! And how does he aim to do that?


By exposing her panties.


Or more accurately, her gym shorts. Which happen to have the mark of the Velvet Pussy. This sparks interesting reactions, with every student in the school clambering into the room through any means possible to witness the event, and poor Hinako thoroughly ashamed through the reveal of her childish undergarments.


After school, Hinako walks alone with Ryuichi and Kansuke following after, only to hear her scream - Ganbachi is still trying to destroy her confidence, and is currently doing so by... standing around in his y-fronts. "When there's a fight, you use any weapons you can get your hands on" he explains. The students are naturally pretty insulted with this crude method of embarrassing Hinako, and Kansuke attempts to 'disarm' the teacher...


But apparently he's wearing two pairs of underpants. Another attempt reveals another pair of private garments. "So, your fortification's in-depth, huh?"


And he tries...


And tries...


And tries...


And tries... (there's no way to deny he ain't tryin'!)


But Ganbachi is well-prepared for such an occasion, and no attempt at disarming him will work.


With Hinako's defences weakened at the sight of a frighteningly-contained pork sword, Ganbachi calls in his 'shock troops' to totally push her over the edge. Soon, hundreds upon hundreds of goons enter the campus and encircle Hinako and her group. The Pinball Mob. Ryuichi vows to fight them off if they muscle in on their territory, but the Pinball's leader claims they're not here to fight, but to give Hinako "a basic lesson in biology." Ganbachi tells them to cut the small talk and get straight to the "practical demonstration." This can only end terribly.

The UK dub, although awesome, isn't exactly the most accurate thing in the world, though most of the differences noted are pretty minor and more stylistic choices. The simple ones are how Ganbachi is called Ganpachi in Japan, and the UK dub excludes Kansuke's surname, Matsuri.

Teioh means "Emperor," which the US dub translates, and Ganbachi's spiel about it with his first meeting with Hinako is more about how crappy it is and how he'll make it a better place in the original version, whereas the UK dub makes it sound like the people who made him what he is reside there and he's off to get revenge, which is a load of lies. Likewise, the UK dub emphasises how he's going to be a real hardass teacher when he's in the principal's office and drops another mention of how he's been programmed by experts, whereas the original version claims he is the titular Ultimate Teacher, merely describing his mind and body as if it were tailor-made rather than outright stating it. Ganbachi explicitly states he used a "Charlie Horse attack" after beating up the whole class, hence foreshadowing what he does to Hinako shortly afterwards, but the UK dub just ditches all mention of it.


The whole ordeal over Hinako's Pussy Panties is kinda wackied up in the dub. The lead-up to it is just Ganbachi wanting to strip Hinako of her dignity, but the original Japanese is just him being a wacky perv by playing "Inspect The Unmentionables," pondering what colour and brand of panties she wears before exposing them, hence the shock and laughter that she's still wearing childish gym shorts, but the reaction in the UK dub just seems to be "dude, it's a girl in her underwear! That's hot!"

Likewise, the leader of the Pinball Mob is said to be "head of Homeroom Pine" in the Japanese version, apparently an ally of the school but then decided to defect to Ganbachi's side for the sake of degrading Hinako.


Believe me, it's going to get much more strange from here on out.