Resident Evil


I have never seen the Resident Evil trilogy. Nope. I've watched Dungeon Siege and friggin' House of the Dead (both 1 and 2!), yet I've never seen those. I'm under the impression I'm missing out.

But did you know there was a Resident Evil movie made back in 2001, a full year before the first movie? It was produced on a nonexistent budget by a no-name director, Joel Buick, and was produced as an ashcan copy solely so the production company, Snowman Pictures, could hold onto the rights.

They did not succeed.

There's very little knowledge of the film's existence, and it seems like the publishers of the Milla Jovovich version have been trying to bury it. After jumping through all manner of legal hoops, I present to you... the legendary unreleased version of Resident Evil, by Joel Buick.

You can tell you're in for a good time when this is the company's vanity plate.


After the fantastically produced title, the movie goes out of its way to sell itself on the variety of monsters it provides - skeleton zombies! Robots!! And many more! I'll spare you the details on how pain-stakingly accurate this is to the original source material.


The story begins with our heroes standing on the bridge leading up to a dilapidated old mansion, spending all of ten seconds asking each why they're out here and what they even came here for. Off to a good start. "P,K" [sic], the resident street-talking black guy, urges they all just ignore questions like that and check it out inside.

They comment that the place looks deserted, and indeed, they see no sign of human life in the main chamber. "P,K" consults Sammy about what they should do (although he refers to him as some kind of incomprehensible mumbling), and ol' Sam suggests they explore. Within seconds, "P,K" has found a hugeass shotgun just lying in a decorative vase!


And just after he exclaims "yeehaa, bros!", a skeleton zombie appears! Cowardly Steve scarpers out of the way as "P,K" lodges some buckshot in its head, only for another to emerge from a darkened doorway. Even from across the room, the shotgun gets a perfect headshot. Carl wants to know when he can have a turn using the gun.
Please don't ask how skeletons can bleed. Just don't.

Steve moseys over to the small kitchen area and finds a pistol sitting next to a giant butcher's knife, though the gun looks more like an indiscriminate plank of wood. As soon as he celebrates this find, a humongous skeleton beast bursts through the far window! Steve tries out his dinky little pistol against the hulking beast...


And gets kicked out the window for his troubles. Carl and Sammy make a run for it, leaving "P,K" to fend for himself as they dash up the staircase and through the darkened corridor respectively. He keeps firing, and after some perseverance sees that the monster is still flesh and bone - it can bleed, thus it can be destroyed!


Sammy finds himself in a mysterious boardroom and ponders how he got there - clearly the mansion has confusing navigation. He parks himself on a chair and comments how crazy this adventure has been so far, only to hear a sound from behind him... it's a vampire!
Carl, meanwhile, stumbles upon a laboratory containing not only a mummy, but a deactivated robot chained to the wall. He comments that this is "far out."


Steve, ever incompetent, awakens to find himself outside the mansion and in the graveyard. Confused and delirious, he decides to wash his face in a nearby pool of water, only to be snatched by a skeleton zombie and dragged beneath the soil! The sound of him being stabbed makes it clear we won't see him again.
Carl continues to faff about in the lab, pondering what the giant red button on the wall does.


It activates a robot, which marches up behind him and charges up its hideously loud arm cannon, though rather than doing something as simple as turning around, he continues staring at the wall and wonders out loud, "what's that noise?" Not long after, the poor shmuck is just a charred skeleton with his flesh smeared on the wall.

Poor "P,K" is still in the entrance shooting more zombies, having taken down the big guy. After having killed so many monsters, he presumably gets sick of this and makes a run for it, heading back out the entrance and leaving his shotgun behind. He makes his way out the gate as Sammy's death can be seen through the top window[1]...

And he finds himself back where they started. He's glad to have made it out alive, but can't help but feel concern for Sammy, as he never found out what happened to him. He doesn't dwell on this for long, as the robot, not at least five times bigger than it was before, melts him into slush.


The End.

[1]Yes, even though the room Sammy went into was on the bottom floor, suddenly he's taken to the top floor solely to be killed.


You can download the original .3mm file here, or you can just watch it on YouTube like a boring person.