Hulk Hogan's Rock 'n' Wrestling

Rock 'n' Zombies (written by Jeffrey Scott)


Hulk Hogan and his wrestling chums are on their way to an amusement park, and Hulk is such a caring dude that's paying for his friends' parking too. Unfortunately, Roddy Piper and his band of heels are also going to the park too, and they can't even park their cars without being massive dickheads by crashing into everything along the way.


Hulk gets out to complain about this, but that only prompts the Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff to crash into Junkyard Dog's car some more. Junkyard and Tito Santana talk smack with the heels, prompting a threatening stare-down.

Hogan gets between them and reminds them all that they're here to have fun, not mess around in stupid arguments. The two groups reveal that they were all given free invitations to the park by its owner, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan, and they suspect he's up to his no-good tricks again, but head on inside anyway. The wrestlers are invited on stage for Bobby to unveil his park - Rock 'N' Wrestleland! "The rockin'-est, violent amusement park in the entire world!"


Despite being themed around professional wrestlers, whose entire occupation revolves around beating the crap out of people, the rides don't do much to carry that theme. Heenan introduces the audience to Nikolai Volkoff's Russian Teacup Ride, Captain Lou Albano's Runaway Dining Car Ride, "Rowdy" Roddy Piper's Hot Air Balloon Trip, and Hulk Hogan's "Eye of the Tiger" Jungle Ride; none of which do much to support the title of most rockin'-est amusement park in the world, never mind the United States.

Bobby also announces that whatever ride gets the most attendance, the wrestler that ride belongs to will have their name added to the park's name! Naturally, Roddy and the heels want that title for themselves, and The Fabulous Moolah attempts to start a civilised debate over who get their name up there. All of them are too greedy to really settle on anything, but Mr. Fuji does propose that at the very least they can't let Hulk Hogan and his do-gooder chums win the prize, and everyone seems happy with that.


Hulk and the gang try out the Runaway Dining Car and attempt to chow down on some steaks, but the twists and turns result in the steaks sliding about until they all land on Lou Albano's head. What they don't know, however, is that the Iron Sheik and Nikolai are sabotaging the ride by tampering with the rails!


Instead of leaving the train a smouldering wreck and making a mark upon history as a turning point for health and safety laws in amusement park security, it just ploughs through Iron Sheik's Miniature Car Ride much to his displeasure. Nikolai gets a sore noggin for his troubles, and the train somehow gets back on the tracks and safely stops at the station, everyone commenting on what a fun ride it was.

Also, no, when I say "somehow" I don't mean a bizarre series of events that are frighteningly incomprehensible (ala every damn episode of Captain N), I mean you don't even friggin' see how the train gets back on the tracks. In one shot it's ploughing through Iron Sheik's ride, in the next it's stopping at the station and the wrestlers getting off. Blame it on cartoon miracles.


Mr. Fuji, Heenan and Moolah check out Moolah's House of Horrors and encounter a freaky-looking pale dude inside who's frightening the visitors, and a kid called Craig claims there are zombies inside! Bobby Heenan tells the kid that's a bunch of lies and kicks him out of the park, claiming there's nothing to be afraid of, though Wendi Richter believes there's something fishy about this and follows Craig home.


Junkyard tries out his plane ride with Tito accompanying him, but Roddy Piper and Big John Studd sabotage the machinery, hoping this will attract customers to Roddy's hot air balloon. This just results in Junkyard's plane flying off its wire and crashing into the balloon, destroying it. "That was one junk-tastic ride! I'm buyin' another ticket!" While Roddy complains, the laws of physics momentarily spiral wildly out of control for the sole purpose of Roddy falling victim to a stupid pratfall.


Moolah continues to shill tickets for her House of Horrors but the customers still leave in a frenzied panic because of the zombies, despite her claims that they're just robots, though she soon comes to believe they're real as well. Bobby urges the heels to get the zombies back into the house of horrors, so Nikolai tries to do so by giving one a spine bender, but the undead foe craftily steps aside a few inches, causing him to get ice cream on his face. The hilarity!

The heels continue to be incompetent, as Roddy and Studd are accidentally trapped in bags while fleeing like pansies, Heenan and Fuji mistaking them for zombies.

Wendi tracks down Craig and asks him and his mother about the zombies. Their family owned a cemetery for at least a century, but due to rising prices they had to sell it to Heenan who claimed he would keep it as a cemetery, but now that he's exploited it the souls are left wandering and unhappy. Wendi is shocked; Hogan and the gang would never have sponsored the park if they knew it was as dishonest as this! She and Craig make their way back to the park to solve the issue.


The heels barricade the zombies in the house of horrors before Heenan makes an announcement, claiming the zombies were just a publicity stunt. He announces the sponsor has been chosen, and the park is now dubbed Hulk Hogan's Rock 'N' Wrestleland! Sheik and Moolah are none too pleased about this as Heenan says he chose Hogan solely so he'd make fat stacks of cash off the dude's popularity. Hulk takes the microphone and encourages the audience to go out and have a wrestle-tastic time...


Only for the zombies to bust out and scare everyone off again. Jeez, man, the zombies haven't even harmed anyone yet. They don't even have teeth, for crying out loud! Hulk proposes they stop the zombies, so Junkyard Dog and Superfly Jimmy Snuka hop onto his rollercoaster ride in pursuit of two of the undead. Thanks to the ride being terribly engineered, the hunters become the hunted as the zombies chase after them.


Demonstrating further how sloppily maintained the park is, three zombies, Iron Sheik and Nikolai hop onto the Russian Teacups ride where their cups immediately spin out of control and ride into the park itself (I am not making an "in Soviet Russia" joke, so help me god), causing Sheik to crash into a stack of pizzas. And then...


... oh, god, what the hell? Robot dinosaurs?! Robot dinosaurs that don't even have boundaries and thus are allowed to just roam around the park at will? What-- jeez!! Yes, three zombies hop onto a tyrannosaurus and make it crush a concession stand, but that doesn't require flesh-eating monsters to make it cause chaos. André the Giant is called upon to stop them, hopping onto a brontosaurus to chase after them, but despite making an audible metal sound as he hops on, it deflates like a balloon under his weight.



Craig and Wendi arrive back at the park just in time for Wendi to get kidnapped by zombies, because despite being in a profession revolving around breaking people's faces, she has the misfortune of being the only girl and therefore susceptible to becoming a damsel in distress. Hulk is told by Craig that the zombies took her to the jungle ride, so he and the gang take pursuit. Hillbilly Jim takes the spotlight for three seconds to announce there are "smilin' logs" following them...


"That's no log, it's a crocodile!" Junkyard bellows, but Lou Albano comments that it's just a robot croc. It's also piloted by a zombie who proceeds to tip the boat over, dumping them in the river. It looks like they'll never catch up now, but Hulk is the man with the plan. "We'll ride." "Ride what?" Captain Lou queries.





This was the moment I knew this cartoon was stupid enough to write about.


The hippos possess ungodly speed, allowing them to catch up and rescue Wendy, making their way to a muddy bank. However, a plethora of zombies arise from the ground, and it looks like it's curtains for our muscle-bound heroes! Wendi tells the group about what she learnt, how the park was built on top of a cemetery, and Hulk realises why the zombies were so upset - would you like it if someone built an amusement park on the equivalent of your roof? Knowing what a sleaze ball Bobby Heenan is, Hulk, his posse and the zombies all band together to teach him a lesson.


Heenan and the heels make use of the water pistols from Mr. Fuji's Shooting Gallery to fend off the undead, but once Hulk arrives and tells Heenan they're shutting him down, he pulls a fast one and flees in a go-cart. He doesn't get far before the zombies block his path...


So he hops into Tito Santana's ferris wheel, though this doesn't save him either. The zombies pile in, causing the wheel to buckle under the weight and dump Bobby on the ground, surrounded by zombies. With nowhere to run, he promises to do whatever they say, so Hulk urges him to convert the amusement park back into a memorial park like he promised.


And in the time it takes for the scene to fade, it's back to a memorial park. Hulk shakes hands with his zombie chums before they return to their graves, so everybody's happy - except Roddy Piper. He wanted his name on something, but he wasn't expecting the cemetery to be called Roddy Piper's Rock 'N' Rest In Peace Memorial Park! He complains about how can anyone be happy with their name on a cemetery or why it couldn't have been named after someone else, but no one pays attention to the Scottish whiner.

No, Roddy Piper has nothing even resembling a Scottish accent in the cartoon.


People are complaining that the house of horrors has real zombies inside, while Bobby says there's nothing to be afraid of. Isn't that a bit of a stupid thing to say when you're trying to a promote a shit-your-pants scary house of horrors?


John Studd claims to have a bucking bronco ride, but we never get to see it.


Zombie breath apparently melts ice cream.

I propose this gets added to the Dungeons & Dragons rule book.


Viewer input time!

The strength of zombies in an often debated subject, as although the common image is that of a weak, shambling corpse, they possess enough strength to tear through flesh and bone with their teeth. Nothing like that takes place here, but I'd like to ask how a single zombie can tip a boat containing seven huge and heavy individuals who are evenly spaced throughout. I know how easy it can be to tip a small rowing boat, but this boat is not only big enough to comfortably contain all those guys, but it has a small cabana on board. Surely that would make it a little less likely, right?


Guess the original context for this image. I dare you.