Super Mario Bros.



When we last left our heroes when were in the midst of a frightening freefall into certain death; whatever will be the thrilling conclusion to this danger?


The fungus saves them.


Simple as that.


Luigi, once again, believes the fungus is alive and actually intentionally saved them, but Mario's having none of it, believing it was his driving that saved them.

Meanwhile, Iggy and Spike invade Koopa's mud bath with Lena to inform them that the Mario brothers have escaped to the desert. Considering how they made their way back to Koopa's place to tell him the news rather than actually try and follow them is pretty darn stupid. Koopa aims to rectify that issue, but first, Lena is sent away to fetch Princess Daisy. Yeah, she's officially stated to be a princess now! Whodathunkit.


Since Spike is such a total moron, he's not much good the way he is now, but it'd be a waste to get rid of a functional pair of hands, so Koopa throws him into the de-evolution chair. Did you know that the device has an evolution setting as well? Now we know! He uses this to increase Spike's brain capacity, allowing him to state the square root of large numbers with ease, throw large words around casually and position his eyebrows in amusing ways. Iggy is disappointed - he was hoping for a new Goomba.

However, the tables are turned and Iggy is thrown into the chair against his will! Thankfully, he's just getting a brain booster as well, so he's a bit more content after it's taken place. Now with the ability to form comprehensible sentences, this should surely give them good plumber-catching skills, and the two are ordered to go to the desert; they argue that they want to formulate their own plan first, but after being threatened with death, they're willing to obey.

Meanwhile, Daisy is dressed up in her mother's gown and gets some details about her parents from Lena, that her mother is dead, after having smuggled the rock to our Earth after Koopa arrived, and her father's dead-or-alive status is left ambiguous.


Meanwhile, the Mario brothers are wandering the desert with a very positive outlook on life.

Koopa is preparing for the dimension merger, his Goombas now training with handheld de-evolution guns, something he's looking forward to seeing. Daisy waits for Koopa to arrive in her chamber, alone.

At least, she thought she was alone.


As Daisy gets to see the creature clearly, Koopa appears out of nowhere to explain - that is Yoshi, a pet of the royal family, and he's promptly forgotten about as Koopa tries to woo over Daisy. He's enquired about where her father is, but after a very vague answer ("he's around.") he starts complimenting her on how clean she is and tries to kiss her, but she darts away, only to run into the grasp of a Goomba. She's taken away as Koopa wants to "use" her later.

Does that Goomba look familiar to you?

It's Toad! Everybody's favourite street musician can be identified from the other Goombas by his harmonica and striped head, which I guess is an attempt to imitate the swirl of his human haircut. This is no doubt only an irrelevant addition that will mean nothing to the plot, eh? Eh? Eh?


Back in the desert, Iggy and Spike spy the plumbers via a pair of binoculars, and set after them in a small-scale tank. Despite his newly-gained intelligence, Spike proves to be a fairly terrible driver...


... and the inevitable happens.


Mario and Luigi arrive at the scene of the crash, where they tie them up and threaten to leave them there to be eaten by tiny reptiles unless they give in to their demands - where is Daisy? The Koopa cousins refuse to answer until they're told where the meteorite fragment is, which only results in a shouting match before Mario shuts them all up; he wants an explanation.

The two explain that the fragment was chipped off the meteorite upon impact, and if inserted back into the meteorite, the two dimensions will merge, allowing Koopa to rule over all! However, the gateway between the dimensions had been sealed and only recently made accessible again - sealed by Daisy's mother when she destroyed the mine twenty years ago, reopened by Scapelli's crew and their mucking about at the excavation site. They all come to an agreement - if the Mario brothers can lead them to the meteorite, the Koopa cousins will lead them to Daisy. Sounds like a mutually benefiting opportunity.


They describe the fragment thief to them, and the Koopa cousins know who it is, she's a frequenter of the Boom Boom Bar. The group get a ride back into the city by stealing a garbage truck after clubbing the drivers unconscious, stealing their masks and allowing them to get past the barrier without hassle.

They make their way to the Boom Boom Bar, the plumbers being lent some fancy suits (Luigi thinks his is rather feminine, which is understandable since it came from Iggy's ex-wife) and leave their belongings at the entrance, prompting the head of security to phone the police and alert them to the plumbers' presence. Iggy and Spike get themselves drinks and talk loudly about how much they're going to enjoy Koopa's downfall; meanwhile, Big Bertha[1] enters the scene and Mario steps up the task of wooing her over so he can get his mitts on the fragment.


"Hey. The name's Mario. I'm your main man! Ram-a-dam? Your can o' Spam?"




"Maybe she's a little shy."

Mario approaches her again and comments that the way her knuckles met his face was most exquisite, and he would enjoy it some more. That's apparently sufficient to get dancing with her, resulting in a slow, twirly waltz set to soft R&B. Mario tries several means of pinching the meteorite fragment, from untying it, trying to tug it off and even just plunging his face into his cleavage and grabbing it in his mouth. Through some means, he eventually takes hold of it and dashes off, leaving poor Bertha stood up.


Their celebration is cut short, as Lena and a pair of Goombas arrive! The Goombas haul off Iggy and Spike while our heroes scarper to opposite sides of the dance floor and toss the necklace back and forth between themselves. This otherwise fine plan eventually turns sour when the necklace lands on the grate floor beneath Lena's foot, and certainly in no mood to just push her ass down and take the necklace, they make for the exit. But their way is blocked.


By Bertha! She's not a hindrance, however - she knocks out the head of security and allows them to hide out in the entrance room, blocking the door for them as Goombas try to barge their way in. However, they've still no means of convenient escape, so Big Bertha supplies them with a pair each of Stompers, the jump boots she used earlier. It's as simple as clicking your heels together and boom - super jump time!


After a goodbye kiss, the brothers leave Bertha to face the heat as they jump out of the glass ceiling and into the street. They make their way onto yet another overpass, where they find another device wrapped in fungus for them. Luigi swipes it this time and they head on their way, only to be surrounded by cops and Goombas!


Never mind the fact that with the Stompers they could theoretically make an easy escape anytime, anywhere, but a garbage truck passes underneath and makes for a convenient escape vehicle. Mario puts a downer on the situation by wondering how they can get into Koopa's tower ("I've got two words for you: Im, possible!"), but Luigi believes that anything is possible, and with a little confidence and ingenuity they can make their way inside.

Elsewhere, we see the king's chamber, with a heaving mound of fungus hanging over it. Yes, Toad was right - Daisy's father was made into a hideous pile of fungus! "You always wanted to be everywhere, and now you are!" Koopa laughs, and mocks the king's attempt to pollute the city as he's out of this dirt bucket, his ambitions lie in the alternate dimension, so he doesn't give half a hoot about what happens to this city.


The brothers are dumped outside the tower, and find it to be a horrible daunting task to find Daisy - it's like a bazillion stories tall! They make their way inside to what appears to be a long-disused pipe room, grown over with fungus. It's actually the heating system, and the two set about locking off the valves, hoping to freeze the place or something like that, though this sets off the alarms. Luigi is worried about how they'll move around the tower without being noticed or caught, but Mario cracks open a safe and finds some suitable garments to wear.


Awwwww yeah. That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.


Of course, they still use the rather perilous method of transportation, the elevator, which is bound to result in wacky antics. Two Goombas enter, so they hide behind them. Then two more Goombas enter on the next floor from the opposite side, forcing the brothers to hide themselves between the Goombas' backs and the wall.


The elevator gets increasingly crowded, and the brothers are essentially forced to crawl between their legs. Luigi gets the thoroughly ridiculous idea of shifting the Goombas to the beat of the elevator music, since they're too dumb to notice they've being manhandled. Of their own accord, they get into the swing enough to start dancing with each other, which distracts them enough for Mario and Luigi to climb out the top of the elevator on the 63rd floor.


Elsewhere, Lena hauls in Iggy and Spike and informs Koopa that they were out and about denouncing Koopa in public, which he clearly doesn't approve of and orders them to be executed. Lena tries to use this opportunity to admit her love for Koopa, but the big guy's just too cheesed to care, what with having saboteurs among his ranks and still not having the meteorite; his main priority is the future, and maybe after this is over they can actually talk things over. Lena is most certainly miffed by this, and having the meteorite fragment herself, she decides to take matters into her own hands.


Back in Daisy's chamber, she's warming up quite well to Yoshi only for a Goomba to enter with a meal for her - a slab of meat. She requests for some steamed vegetables instead, and it happily leaves to fetch those for her. However, Lena enters and after some small talk, tries to stab her, believing she's earned the right to do this, but Yoshi saves the day by grabbing her leg in his tongue, granting Daisy the opportunity to flee.


She runs into the Goomba again, now with some steamed vegetables, though she's too frightened at this stage to hang around and turns down another corridor, encountering Iggy and Spike being escorted by two more Goombas! She believes she's trapped between a rock and a hard place, but noticing the Goomba's face and it attempting to utter her name, she realises it's actually friendly - she may not know it, but it's Toad!


And then he's totally cooked alive by the other Goombas.

1Yes, they actually named her after the giant man-eating fish which can spit its own spawn out of its mouth. We should be glad the name is the only inspiration they took.


Likewise, the bar is named after the recurring fortress boss in Super Mario Bros. 3. The bar does not grow wings if you stomp on it, though.