Super Mario Bros.


Gazing over the overpass, Luigi spots Iggy and Spike dragging Daisy into a taxi; the two make a ruckus calling for each other and Mario harasses what appears to be a police officer, demanding he do something about this rather blatant abduction, though he just tells them to quiet down. The two topple over some flimsy railings as they attempt to keep track of the taxi and land in a garbage skip. Although uninjured, they notice something disgusting...


Dinosaurs! And they're eating garbage! GROOOOSSSSS

The two climb out of the skip and soon realise that they are not in a traditional Manhattan - a green-skinned individual buys a fried lizard from a street vendor, a woman with scales wheels an egg around on a pram; Manhattan is a strange and violent place, but definitely not to this extent. Luigi jokes that maybe they've gone to the future via some means, but if there's one thing for certain, they're not in Brooklyn anymore. A large, trench coat-wearing monster watches them as they walk away.

(ps. anyone with actual knowledge of Manhattan please confirm if there are any people selling fried lizards)

Meanwhile, King Koopa is washing his hands and being thoroughly frustrated with their predicament - the city's situation gets worse everyday, their water is filthy, germs are everywhere, fungus is rampant. They have been "exiled" there for 65 million years, yet their parallel version of Earth is doing pretty fine with plenty of clean and functional resources. While our Earth has sufficient resources, which he envies, he is disgusted that mammals roam freely there, and he's not going to accept it anymore!


While Lena, Koopa's assistant cleans his hands, the big cheese goes on a large spiel about his motivations: When he gets his hands on the meteorite fragment, he can merge this dimension and our dimension into one, pillage all the resources and enslave all of the mammals! Lena queries what'll happen to "the princess," but Koopa dismisses her as surplus to requirements - it's the meteorite he's after! Needless to say, he's a little miffed when Iggy and Spike arrive to reveal that the Mario brothers took the fragment. Koopa issues a plumber alert.

Isn't that cannibalism to some degree?

The news announcements waste no time in broadcasting the notice, and there's a huge reward for anyone who takes them in. On the streets, the brothers are trying to find someone who can help them find their way around, though also be wary that it's a dangerous city. A little old lady sweetly warns them that they should be careful and carry a weapon, and after revealing that they're new in time and unarmed, she whips out a cattle prod and demands money from them, swiping Luigi's meteorite fragment as the closest equivalent.


Before she can take off, a hulking woman lifts her off her feet and throws the old lady off the overpass, taking the fragment back from her. The old lady appears used to such treatment and sets about zapping motorists, causing a huge car crash with no apparent motive besides being a jerk. Mario is very thankful for the mysterious woman's support, but is denied the meteorite fragment. "Come and get it," she remarks.


And then she makes her getaway on a pair of completely ridiculous jumping boots.


Thoroughly bummed, the two slump against a street corner and are noticed by a jolly-looking punk busker, who starts strumming out a song about having no money or water in an attempt to lift their spirits. It doesn't take ten seconds before a police car stops and he's grabbed by police. "You know the law, Toad!" Mario ruffles up the officer and says that he can't arrest him for just singing a song, though apparently that's pretty legal here. The cop--...



This guy...


Is the interpretation of this guy.


I think that speaks for itself.


The cop notices that Mario's wearing a belt of plumbing tools and throws the two of them in the car along with Toad. Mario is most definitely not amused. The group are taken to the police station, where it's revealed that rather than using breaks, the monstrous automobiles just use strong cords in the ground to halt their momentum.

Meanwhile, Daisy is thrown in a cell where she encounters Daniella and all the other girls who were kidnapped. Dan explains that Koopa's looking for a princess, but apparently none of them fit the bill.

The brothers are taken to prison, but not without getting their names taken first ("What's your name?" "Luigi." "Luigi Luigi?" "Naw, Luigi Mario."), and after that they're taken through a bizarre series of crap happening to them from their crotches being treated to an icy spray, having a ton of blue liquid dumped on them, and finally having their photographs taken with cameras that look like rifles, complete with laser sight. The first two parts were part of being "de-fungus-ated" to keep them clean, while the last part is just the joys of misleading design.

The two end up in a cell beneath Toad, where while busting out more songs, dumps info on them regarding the whole meteorite parallel dimension nonsense history to this place, and expresses his personal belief that with the fungus running rampant over the city, he believes it's because the king was de-evolved into fungus and now he's enacting revenge by making everything icky.

The two are called out of their cells to meet "Larry Lazard" (of "Lazard, Lazard, Conda, Dactyl, & Cohen"), who's supposedly their attorney, but since they've never met Koopa before they don't know it's actually the man himself. Koopa uses that knowledge to try and dissuade them from meeting him, calling him an "evil, egg-sucking son of a snake," but tries to pry the whereabouts of the meteorite fragment out of them. They didn't know that's what it was and reply with befuddlement, but Koopa jabs his fingers into Luigi's eyes to try and elicit a more cooperative response, prompting Mario to pry them apart and get cattle prodded for his troubles, a guard stating that "no one touches King Koopa." Mario spies the ruse, and Koopa acknowledges that his description of himself was entirely accurate. Oh, you card.


The plumbers are taken to the de-evolution chamber, where they witness poor Toad being de-evolved into a creature of the cretaceous period, resulting in a tall, lizard-like, trench coated creature like we saw watching the Marios earlier. A Goomba.


The Mario brothers are threatened with the same fate unless they tell him where the meteorite fragment is, but in a shocking moment of not expecting the obvious, Mario pushes Koopa onto the de-evolution chair and sets him to de-evolve as they vamoose. This doesn't to achieve much besides make his look a little wacky for a second, but Koopa still seems to be pissed. The two make their way back down to the police station, where they hide out in a quiet area behind a fungus-covered pillar.


Luigi notices the fungus is sprouting little mushrooms ("great, a building with athlete's foot," Mario snarks), and also notices that a strange spherical device lowers down on a string of fungi. The younger brother believes it was actually trying to give it to them, but Mario is in no mood for stupid talk and upon seeing that the Goombas are on their trail, they beat feet and slide across the prison ceiling on a zipline/pulley system.


Goombas open fire with flamethrowers as the prisoners cheer for them, leading them to a corridor where they flee into the parking lot. They hop into a squad car and struggle to find the means of starting it up, but Luigi, proving to be totally superior to his brother in every manner besides plumbing and understandable speech, starts it up after tapping wildly on a keypad. He credits this impeccable alternate-dimension car hotwiring talent to "sittin' on my butt playin' video games all day," proving that video games do cause anti-social behaviour before Grand Theft Auto entered the scene.


The car roars into motion and the two bust their way out of the station and onto the streets, police officers with flamethrowers opening fire upon them. However, it doesn't take long before the built-in computer system pops up a special bulletin.



Luigi is surprised. "Mario, look! ... you look terrible!"


The bulletin describes them as aliens, prompting Luigi to panic and gasp "we've got to deal with aliens, too?!" but Mario reminds him that in this dimension, they're the aliens, which generates a positive reaction. The police cars now on hot pursuit, Mario takes them down an alleyway despite Luigi claiming they're going the wrong way (how's he supposed to know what way they're going, let alone where they're going?), so Mario hands the wheel over to his brother...


But before Luigi can even take hold of them, they've driven straight onto the roof of another car. This doesn't last long before the slide back onto the road, where the police catch up to them on each side and start firing at them. If you have any familiarity with cartoons or ridiculous action movies, it goes without saying that Mario hits the brakes, the cars keeping going and end up shooting each other, utterly totalling them.


Luigi thinks of a good escape route to choose, deciding the tunnel to the Koopahari Desert sounds promising, but it's only after they enter that the computer system warns them the tunnel is unfinished and is out of reach of the city's power grid, leaving the car without power. It apparently leaves it with enough power to keep rolling, but they can't steer or brake, and there's no room to open the doors! They're getting closer to the end of the tunnel! What are they gonna--




You know your dimension is in the crapper when computer systems used by the police have spelling errors.