The House of the Dead


He makes his way to the front door and opens up, seeing poor Salish wandering around aimlessly, quite clearly zombified. Disheartened at his comrade's condition, he fires a hole in his head, but Salish remains conscious, barely. The others are alerted by the gunshot so Rudy goes to check on Victor, trying to call him from outside. Victor merely glares and utters, "I'm dead already."


Using his cigar to light the fuse of a stick of dynamite, he vows to see these zombies in hell, and lets himself and those surrounding him go up in smoke.


This noble act kind of blows open the front of the house and allows the zombies to get in with no problem, so the others retreat back to the room outside the laboratory and barricade the door. Alicia points out barrels of gunpowder to Rudy, but to detonate them someone would have to get themselves blown up, so Rudy goes looking for something to sort that hindrance.


They begin looking about the lab and Alicia takes notice of some kind of monster fish thing swimming about in a glass cube. Her scream alerts the others and Karma does the stupid thing of firing at a fish, breaking the class and spilling the contents onto the floor, the liquid reviving the corpses on the floor!


Rudy batters them with every liquid container he can find while they all use a door to exit outside, piling obstructions and explosive barrels against it as they try to escape down a hatch, Rudy calling for Simon to make his escape. However, a zombie arm busts through the door and begins strangling him, giving him no opportunity to escape and telling the others to leave without him as he aims his gun at the barrels.


Which very slowly flies towards the barrel and ignites it, because slow-mo is awesome.


After grieving for Simon, Rudy assumes that they're in a catacomb beneath the house and one of the tunnels must head towards the beach, so they start walkin'. Not a great lot of effort required, as despite being pretty damn dark, the zombies don't do much more than step out of corridors in front of them before getting mowed down by Rudy and Karma. Things then quieten down for a bit and it looks like it's easy going from then on...


But then monsters start forming from the walls! Because to plug a wall with bullets would just be silly, they decide to simply run past them, but Karma insists that she stay behind to take care of them with some karate power. The remaining two try to talk her out of it, but it doesn't take long before she's pinned against a wall and deaded.


One of the monsters heads towards Alicia and Rudy, only to be speared by a cloak wearing individual they believe to be Greg. It gestures them to follow, which they have no problem doing and are led into what appears to be a torture chamber. Even when they get a better look at the fellow and definitely believe to be Greg, he does not speak and this bothers Alicia. Rudy then takes a peek at a hanging corpse and...



(and it's Greg)


Hooded Greg then reveals himself to not be Greg, but actually that scarred fellow that's been popping up throughout the film! Several zombies rush in and grab our heroes, pinning them to tables as the bad guy looks over them and looks forward to skinning them alive.


Rudy demands to know why he's such an evil bastard, and our villain explains: He is Castillo! He found some fancy pants way of tampering with science and complicated doodads to make himself live forever, which was pretty handy when he got hanged for being such a dickhead. And that same stuff also allowed him to revive the dead as his faithful slaves, even when they were little more than bones in armour.


Castillo then goes about licking Alicia's ear and saying he's waited a long time to claim their flesh, but this comment prompts Rudy to go macho on the zombies asses and pushes them away. This allows Alicia to grab a sword and stick it through Castillo, and the two begin kicking some zombie ass. Team-up style.


They decide to make an exit and run up some stairs, Rudy grabbing a convenient grenade off the wall and pulling out the pin, blowing the place sky high.


The two think it's all over and begin making inappropriate small talk, but Castillo lives! Totally unaffected by a giant explosion somehow! The two decide to make their way to the beach, but before they can do that, Castillo strikes with his sword.


Rudy using his axe and Alicia her own sword, the two battle the bastard and find him to be more than a match for the both of them, only managing to avoid his swipes with slow-motion spinny-camera dodging.


Of course, Castillo himself uses this tactic, which really just emphasises how absolutely terrible Rudy is with his axe. It's gives the impression he's more focused on scalping the villain rather than killing him.


Rudy is then bitch slapped so hard he flips through the air and lands on his back, sending him out for the count as Alicia is left to make use of her sword skills.


Despite being a not-quite-undead son of a bitch, Castillo is doing all sorts of spinning moves and acrobatics while duelling with her, leaping over sword swipes and doing fanciful twists. To make up for this, he doesn't like fair play and frequently kicks Alicia in the side, so at least he's not a show off.


Alicia follows suit and sweep kicks him to the ground, but it doesn't take long for Castillo to get back on his feet. The duelling gets particularly intense, only for him to steal Alicia's sword and then stab her with it!


Rudy awakens just in time to see this, and naturally sends him into a rage. As Alicia collapses to the ground, he picks up the axe, charges at Castillo...


And lops his head off.


Of course, this follows up with a rapid-fire montage of all the flashbacks involving his history.


It's all over...


Wait, no it's not!


Castillo's body still lives and wastes no time in strangling Rudy, his grip too strong for the feeble kid to prise himself out of. The head of Castillo merely grins sinisterly.


Alicia, still conscious, takes note of this and assumes that the head is controlling the body (hurr) and after taking her sweetass time getting up from the ground, plants a boot down on the head, providing some lovely gore.


The body collapses, as does Alicia, and Rudy manages to catch his breath. However, Alicia looks like she's a goner, making no response to her wound tending.


A helicopter arrives from the sky (where else?) and sets down in the barren village, a group of special ops members checking out the area while two agents in suits march out. Rudy takes Alicia out to see them and demands to know who they are. "We're here to rescue you."

Rudy's response?

"Oh. Thanks."

That's gratitude.


They ask if Alicia's doing alright ("Does she look alright?") and ask for her name as they make their way to the helicopter, prompting Rudy to just forge one for her: Rudolph Curien.


"I feel... guilty... because of what happened.

It was a nightmare.

So many dead.

So many victims.

People that were my friends.

And then we go home.

Me and Alicia.

I wonder where she is now.

Whatever I've created.*

And God I hate that bitch.*

Is this the end?

Only the beginning."


*no idea what the hell he says


And then rap music plays over the credits.

To bother asking why the helicopter arrived or pointing out any other plot holes would be redundant. It's a B-movie!


There's a lot of details in the ending that I fudged. Given that the sequel basically takes a dump over the plot of this film (which is already a bit of a dump to begin with), I think we can live with the errors.