The House of the Dead


They arrive at the village area and find it swarming with zombies, which kind of puts a damper on their plan. Casper tries to make a plan for them, but when zombies start approaching from behind they just settle with the obvious solution: Fuck up as much shit as humanly possible.


Zombies just keep piling in, from the woods and the village and just plain everywhere, but our well-armed heroes just take them down with relative ease. And usually kill them in such a way that they fly into the air slightly. You'll be seeing this so many times that it's just plain ludicrous in this scene.


In fact, their strategy is absolutely minimal. They just march in and fire at zombies, taking no defensive cover or anything at all, but considering zombies aren't exactly known for long range combat, I suppose it's justified.


This also leads into another overused feature during this scene: Matrix camera. Except instead of the motion being frozen, it's just slowed down, if that, so when it happens for the sixteenth time you really start to feel nauseous.

Also: Blood looks yummy.


By this bit here it's already been used four times, though considering this time it's on Victor Kirk using some kind of hand cannon to blast away the faces of marching zombies set to the music of death metal, it's not too bad. Because gun-toting cigar-chomping weapon-smuggling captains are badass, see.


After some more zombie blasting and metal rocking, an axe wielder tries to cut Liberty down to size, but she totally avoids it using even more spinning camera acrobatics before plugging a bullet in the zombie's back.


Casper is having a merry old time demonstrating the special effects of exploding heads with her shotgun, while Karma gets in on the spinning camera showcase action. By now it's been done at least ten times, more or less. There's a reason the first fifty minutes of the movie sucked: Build-up!


Rudy mows down some flesh eating bastards with his UZI while Kirk clobbers a few with the butt of his pistol, which is still enough to kill them. Alicia, however, decides to use something a little more inventive and plugs a grenade down the well, totally blowing half-a-dozen zombies sky-high, even those that weren't even close to it. Halo physics.


After that, a zombie leaps over a gate....


Then just to show off how badass these zombies are (despite the fact a nudge on the shoulder could take them down), somersaults and flings an axe through the air towards Alicia.


She merely jumps in the air, fires her shotgun, thus prompting a close-up as the blast fragments and spreads on it's way towards her target...


Before finally climaxing with the zombie getting blown away.

Oh, and the axe misses, so it wasn't even a zombie with decent accuracy.


Rudy then runs all over the place with his UZI and takes down a dozen foes, but you know the zombies mean business when they sprint at you and leap over corpses in the process. Doesn't change the fact one bullet is all it takes to bring them down, and it doesn't even have to be on the head.


Karma's blasts on the zombies then allow us to see blurry close-ups of their pain which is totally hardcore and dynamic. Kirk and company continue their rampage interspersed with footage of the arcade's attract mode.


Then the battle seems to focus on head shots, whether they're just shirts with skull designs or heads exploding so gorily you barely even realise it was a head before it went boom.


Then we see a zombie missing all but an arm and a head, followed up by footage of that enemy from the game just to remind us that this is apparently based off source material.


A zombie then leaps at least ten feet into the air over a gravestone, only to get shot down for it's efforts. The rampage continues, Karma even managing to hit three in a row with a straight-fired shotgun somehow.


Alicia finds herself facing a whole crowd of zombies that she certainly couldn't take out with her peashooter, but in steps Casper to blast them all to smithereens with her less-crap peashooter. Go teamwork!


While Liberty begins using some mad kung-fu skills on the undead shitheads, Karma drops a stick of dynamite that disconnects a zombie from it's arm. Poor arm.


Liberty keeps up the kung-fu and Alicia keeps up the grenade dropping, but eventually all but the karate girl are huddled on the stairs of the house with zombies approaching from every angle. Their heavy weaponry keeps them at bay, though.


However, they decide to head out again to collect their missing comrade, dropping more explosives and bullets into heads, but since Liberty keeps on using physical combat rather than something that's guaranteed to kill one of these beasts, it doesn't take long for them to start taking advantage of this.


Rudy can do nothing more than watch as Liberty is dragged down by the onslaught of flesh eaters, powerless to help her. Her screams for help go unanswered as emotions swell within the lad.


Of course, instead of doing this in the traditional fashion of flashing back to emotional moments between the two, it just plays a techno beat as the entire battle is shown again except in quick, split second snippets.


Casper, meanwhile, encounters her zombified police partner, and reluctantly puts a bullet in his head. A zombie then knocks her down, but Rudy saves her from a grisly fate as the others return to the staircase and fight off the undead, noting their rapid depletion of ammunition and need for more.


Rudy and Casper arrive at another entrance to the house and make their way inside, but Casper runs out of ammunition and is overwhelmed by zombies. Rudy tries to pull her in, but the zombies tug and pull and tear at her, eventually ripping her legs from her body!


After barricading the door he tries to get Casper back alive again, demanding her to look at him, but it's pretty clear she's a goner. Since there's no hope left for her, Rudy is given no choice but to simply throw a sheet over here and head out to join the others.

Meanwhile, the others finally run out of ammo and instead of actually finally entering the house, just let Kirk draw his machete and start hacking off arms while they huddle behind him and whimper a little.


Rudy catches up with them and they make their way inside, but Kirk starts getting dragged down by the flesh eating villains, munching and pulling on his legs. Thankfully, they get him inside without more than one zombie following in as well, his legs are still intact and a bullet through the head of the sole menace sorts that out.


They waste no time in getting Kirk onto a table and start tending to his wound, as well as light a few candles around the place, just to make it like home. Simon, meanwhile, removes the bandage on his face and sees that his wound is pretty horrible, but really overreacts and believes himself to be the Elephant Man, though he'd need to have a lump of porridge for a head to be considered that. Rudy and Karma try to help him out but Simon claims he doesn't need any help and goes to pout in another room.


Kirk is given time to rest while Rudy and Alicia have on their emotional talks elsewhere. Karma asks Simon the dreaded "what do you think will happen to us?" question, getting the typical "doesn't matter " as her answer. Not because Simon has given up hope, but because he's such a vain bastard that he feels nobody will look at him the same with his cheek looking like a mouldy apple. Karma provides some words of confidence and support before they start exchanging lip action.


Rudy and Alicia comment on the zombies outside, which are merely walking aimlessly and dragging away their dead, fearing that it's too quiet. Rudy shows Alicia where Casper died and starts whining about how it's all his fault. Then they start snogging. Movie relationships are always so oscillating.


Karma alerts them to Kirk's condition getting worse, prompting Rudy to try and tend to his wound while the others just fill up on guns and ammo. Kirk just tells them that since he's unlikely to be getting any better, they should start looking out for themselves instead of him, explore the house and scrounge whatever they can, as well as check for any potential entrances for the flesh-eating bastards to come from.

Alicia then finds what appears to be a ship's journal, conveniently that talking about Castillo, stating that he killed the ship's captain and beached the ship, so suddenly it's only now that the characters realise things are fitting together. Kirk urges them to go, and they do so with little hesitance.


After busting through a locked door, they find themselves in what's clearly a laboratory, full of bubbling fluids and even a corpse to spell it out. Naturally, they begin snooping about and inspecting things, noticing that the corpse is barely more than a flesh-bearing skeleton, and there's a variety of scarred heads on shelves.


Alicia and Rudy take a peep into some kind of microscope and test tube combination, seeing little squirmy things squirming around inside, which Rudy states "certainly aren't human" but also claims to be "totally genius," prompting a suspicious glare from Alicia.

Kirk, meanwhile, hears familiar whistling, and believes it to be Salish, so goes off to check on the noise, but has to do so by crawling. His leg munched on and all.

And who does he find outside?



Despite losing her legs and likely bleeding to death, Casper shows up alive in the sequel.

Yeah, they made a sequel. I'm surprised too, but when it's got somersaulting zombies I can't say I don't understand why.