The House of the Dead


Left to their own devices, Greg and Cynthia start horning about more than usual, but decide to get themselves a little privacy by preparing to get it own in a convenient tent. However, turns out Greg has to excrete his urinary fluids! Cynthia just tells him to leak the lizard in the bushes, but he insists to find somewhere better to let loose his hose.


Simon, Karma and Alicia continue roaming the woods, with more unknown creatures running around and putting their hands on trees to stir up a scare.

Victor realises that Salish has been gone for some time and begins calling for him, but after getting no response he fetches his gun and a cigar.

And meanwhile once more, an evil first-person view of the rave scene approaches the tent wherein Cynthia lies.


Cynthia notices the shadows outside and just believes it to be Greg pulling a childish prank, but soon realises that she's in deep shit.


Flashing camera angle death!


Alicia and company then come across the ancient village type place as the dippy individual from earlier, but this time don't even hesitate to ask "should we go in?" After spending like two minutes to walk to the door, they finally enter and Alicia is attacked!


Simon tackles the foe to the ground, but it turns out to not be a monster or a zombie or anything cool, but it's just Rudy armed with a plank. Accompanying him in the house are Liberty, who you can easily identify because she wears an American flag patterned catsuit, and Hugh, the breast-recording nerd from earlier. The protagonists demand to know what's going on, so Hugh decides to show them.


See, he was recording the whole rave, getting in plenty of tittage along the way, but then suddenly monsters attacked! The ravers tried to head back to the ship but found it gone, and since most of them were dead by then these three found the house and decided to hide in there. Alicia informs them that they've got a boat waiting at the beach, but they won't escape in it until they can gather up the rest of their friends, which frustrates those who just want to leave while they still can, but they're in no place to argue.


Victor Kirk continues to wait for Salish's return, but is oblivious to the floating heads approaching the ship. Will we finally get some zombie action?

Not yet, because after a very silly-looking scene transition, we're back to the group exploring the woods and hearing Alicia and Rudy complain about each and try to make each other jealous. After a few shots of zombies running through the woods and zombies being shot in the game, they arrive at the rave zone. Those who weren't there when the zombies attacked keep thinking this is all one big practical joke, but things turn serious when they see...


An overturned port-a-potty.

Serious stuff, you guys.

 They flip it over and open it up, but instead of some action popping out and tearing a few throats, it's just a rather stained Greg, who says he's been in there for way too long to remember and the thing fell over. "Fell into deep shit, huh?" He then asks where Cynthia is, but nobody has a clue, so they begin looking.


There she is!


Wait, oh no! She's a zombie! And she broke Hugh's neck!


Hugh, we hardly knew ye.


Greg is naturally rather concerned about this, but before his girlfriend can break a bone of some kind, gunfire rains from the bushes and shoots her down.


It's the cop from earlier! Cynthia struggles despite getting a dozen rounds of machine gun fire in her chest, but it's only when a pistol shot blasts her brains out that she's dead for real.

The cop then demonstrates how much of an asshole she is.


This cop, Jordan Casper, radios to inform the others of what she just fought, and asks the kids if they have cellular phones, but interferences or just lack of range prevent them from being useful. When asked how they got here, all but Alicia say by the boat, the odd one out mentioning Victor Kirk dropping them off, which prompts Casper to ask to be led to him, but claims she won't arrest him for the time being.

Meanwhile, a zombie swims towards Victor's ship and climbs aboard, only to be shot back into the ocean.


While inspecting the remains floating on the surface, another climbs up behind him but gets blasted before it can do anything remotely zombie-like. More continue to climb aboard, but Kirk's super gun manages to down them all in one hit, even when they're underwater. He doesn't even have to reload! It's just that great.


As the group continue through the woods, it's only now Alicia realises that Cynthia is dead and begins crying, prompting Rudy to try and comfort her. This is followed up by a suspicious face eyeing them and an axe-wielding zombie running at the screen, but it's still no action just yet.

They arrive at the tatty bridge from earlier, the water still bubbling menacingly, and things are just a little too quiet.


Perfect opportunity for a zombie attack! One bursts up from under the bridge and snags Karma by the foot, pulling her to the ground and knocking Rudy down as well, who gets his hand caught between two planks. Casper blasts away the zombie pulling at Karma, freeing her, and when another rises from the water she pulls out a massive machine gun and kills it dead in one shot.


Rushing onwards through the woods, a parade of sprinting zombies keep dogging them but don't actually achieve a whole lot. It doesn't help that the scenes are so dark you can barely even tell if the person running is a main character or a zombie. They arrive at the beach to find Kirk's ship too far away to board, and resort to merely screaming at him.


Simon, living up to his description of being an ignoramus, dashes along the pier and leaps into the water, hoping to climb onto the ship. However, he finds the ship infested with the flesh eating bastards and swims back the way he came, the beasts following after and Casper helping out by blasting at the undead jerk heads with her machine gun and pistol.


However, this doesn't save Simon from being pulled down from below, but just when it looks like he's a goner, Kirk saves the day by blasting the zombie! Liberty, meanwhile, tries to swim out and save Simon, but has a zombie leap up behind her, which prompts a bit of kung-fu.


Kirk continues to prove how badass he is by blasting more the undead sons of bitches and blowing the head clean off the one trying to drown Liberty. While the guys on land face an axe-wielding one that's killed easily with a few kicks, one leaps up behind Kirk and bites his arm, but after a bit of a struggle he gets it in a headlock and blows it's neck off.


With the threat defeated, our heroes take one of those quiet moments. Except for Simon, who decides to kick and harass a corpse, which pukes on him in response. It gets a bullet in the head.


They tend to the nasty wound he got from the acidic barf while Kirk's bite is made obvious to everyone, but nobody really cares about these things. Casper informs them that she'll be going elsewhere to radio for more help, but after Greg whines that she's just leaving them there, she queries him if he actually has any reason to remain behind, whether as a doctor or if he's wounded, but when he essentially states that he's useless he's given a gun and dragged along with her.


While they continue tending to Simon the group ponder what caused the zombies in the first place, but this just leads into sarcastic remarks about the depleting ozone layer being responsible or some wacky shit. Alicia states that once they just accept these are zombies and they are killing people then they can stop being so useless, and turns to Kirk about any information he knows about the place. All he has is an old wives' tale, which goes like so:


There was once a crazy individual who was banished from Spain hundreds of years ago for wacky experiments. He was Castillo. The captain of the ship he was imprisoned in came to see him, where Castillo began using the ever incredible schoolyard taunt of "come closer, or are you chicken?" to bring him closer, ask "what has God done for you?" and choke him to death with his chains. Then he apparently killed the crew, all the natives on this island and killed whoever came on afterwards. Some say he's still doing that!

That's scary.


Casper and Greg are still in the woods when they hear a bunch of zombies running about, so Greg is told to get his ass out of there while Casper mows them down with her machine gun, but that doesn't stop an increasing number of the evil beasts to begin hounding him. As he runs, the movie makes use of a rather silly "face cam," which is exactly that: Focusing on a running man's face. Which is rather hilarious in the case of the zombies.


Greg rather stupidly throws down his torch and begins firing into the darkness blindly. This, of course, depletes his ammunition quickly, and instead of reloading it just throws the gun aside as he scrambles up a hill. In an almost Scooby Doo like fashion, he hops down the hill and hides under a tree while the zombies run on past, never mind that they were right on his tail a moment earlier.


But in pure horror fashion just when he steps out and thinks everything is hunky dory, one zombie leaps out from behind a tree. And then it turns out they all hid as well and promptly leap out at him as he tries to make his exit. Naturally, it doesn't take long for Greg to get overwhelmed and munched upon...


Followed up by a drawn-out "no" as the camera revolves around his before-dying self for a bit. Expect these montages to be recurring.


Casper finds Greg's discarded gun and knows shit has gone down. Meanwhile, after an oozing blood scene transition, Alicia and company try to decide what to do; the boat is infested with zombies most likely so returning to the house is their best bet, though they decide to wait for Greg and Casper before acting, but Simon asks them what if they don't come back? They have no food or weaponry so they could be waiting a long time. Victor claims that they do have weaponry and drags out one of the crates Salish hid...


Which contains Cuban cigars. Uh huh.

Casper arrives and decides to ignore the cigars for the time being, informing them that her first mate is missing, the patrol boat is totalled and the only weapons they have is the ones Victor and she own, but the captain proves her wrong, as beneath the Cuban cigars are a pile of machine guns and artillery!


And after a bit of talk about what they arm themselves with, this ensues another montage of them picking up guns and holding them and caressing them. All it needs is some saucy saxophone and it could be kinky.


Of course, the scene transition this time is a zombie being blown apart. Fitting.

You know, it's a good thing Cynthia existed at all, because if it weren't for the dumb blonde that would leave the black character, Karma, in danger of being killed first.


The next part is going to blow your mind, honest to God.