Three Men And A Dragon


"On the fantastic world of Dragon's Den, where men and dragons lived in harmony for thousands of years, the peace has been shattered by the most evil dragon ever to breathe flame: Dragon Lord!"

And what better way to demonstrate Dragon's Lord evil nature by having him chase after a poor, defenceless, albino baby dragon?

Yeah, a baby dragon. This plot is going to be fun, isn't it?


The baby's mother arrives and whisks it to safety, but not without two dragons being dispatched to chase after! They wallop trees into the air, pinning the mother dragon down. That doesn't faze her much, as she merely gets the trees off her back and threatens Dragon Lord with "you'll have to kill me before you can harm my child."


"Not if I darken your heart first!"



The mother breathes flames at her child, sending it running far away; the dragon henchmen try to give chase, but are too fat to fit through the trees. Mother Brain appears from nowhere to query Dragon Lord's progress, who states that his hypnotic crystal has made all of the dragons his slaves, minus the escaped child, which is a hassle because white dragons are fearsome beasts when they're fully grown, so he will not rest until everyone is under his spell.


Over at the Palace of Power, Simon Belmont and Kevin are playing tennis, and Simon, being the comic relief, screws up an otherwise good game by not only getting wrapped up in his own whip, but being bitten on the arse by a vampire ball. The crew are summoned by guardians of Dragon's Den, who report to them about the hypnotising situation and if all of them are made evil, their world will fall into a thousand-year darkness.

They want our heroes to rescue Puff, the baby dragon who managed to escape, before the world is doomed. Kevin queries how they'll find this dragon, and the guardians tell him that he must be a Dragon Warrior to find it, but Mother Brain interrupts the transmission to say the last dragon has been caught and they've conquered the world! Kevin can't become a Dragon Warrior now!

Well, that was depressing five minutes. What's next?


Okay, Princess Lana believes Mother Brain was lying and the last dragon hasn't been caught, so, hey, they can go ahead and help.

Simon claims that dragon hunting is his second favourite hobby, and gets dressed in hunting garb and toots a variety of horns, only to be trampled on by a stampede of hounds, sheep and camels. He believes he used the wrong horns, but Lana gives him no third chance and drags them to the world of Dragon's Den, in the town of Brachanary to be precise. The two split up, Lana and Mega Man going west to find Puff while Icarus, Simon and Kevin head south to cut off Dragon Lord. If all goes well, they'll meet again at sun down!


Kevin and company stop at a weapons shop (despite Simon's claims that he has all the weapons they need in his backpack) and trades his wristwatch for a variety of magic herbs that restore your energy during battle. Kid Icarus got himself a helmet that protects him from dragon fire (but not from lamp posts, it seems) while Simon got himself a pair of water-skis. Don't ask me.

However, Mother Brain watches and laughs at their fickle armaments, and dispatches King Hippo and the Eggplant Wizard to teach them the true meaning of pain.


Kevin and crew are approaching the City of Scales, when the two cronies attack them while riding the two henchman dragons, dropping watermelons on them. As always, the heroes manage to avoid any particular danger; even Kevin being frozen solid by magic breath is solved by Duke using the herbs for him.


Simon, however, struggles to fight the dragons since he didn't buy anything useful, but thanks to some awkward cartoon logic, accidentally secures himself in his water skis and wraps the whip around a dragon's tail and gets dragged across the land before eventually crashing into a tree; but since his whip is on the dragon's tail, it gets dragged back (narrowly avoiding Simon) and crashes into the other dragon. Crisis averted!


The group enter a cave to plan their next move, believing it to be safe, but hear strange squeals! Kevin bravely ventures beyond a rock and chases out Puff, but being a bit of a doofus, chases it out of the cave, allowing it to slip and nearly plummet down to the river below. Their attempts to rescue it end disastrously, with it falling to its demise...

Except, of course, it can fly. Hurf. Kevin tries to explain that Puff's mother is missing, but obviously he doesn't speak dragon, though Simon conveniently has a bottle of dragon scent on him, which, per cartoon logic law, makes the baby mistake him for its mother. Still, same basic result, right? All they need to do is find Lana and Mega Man so they can sort out this mess.

Those two aren't having much luck in finding any dragons, but they happen to see a castle up ahead that might assist their quest!

We can't just wait until they arrive to be spoiled of its contents, as the narrator reveals that is Castle Sharlock, Dragon Lord's property! They bust in and are immediately confronted with Dragon Lord himself, who is too powerful for even Mega Man to faze, and the two are dropped through a trapdoor into a prison. "Something tells me this isn't the guest bedroom!" Great observation, Lana.


Meanwhile, some baby antics. Puff is hungry, and no one knows what dragons eat. "Dragonflies, of course!" Simon states, but only has it spat back in his face. They find a cow nearby, and Kevin is in no place to be squeezing some teats, so Simon is once again tasked with milking it, but succeeds in only getting his face wet. It's not until Duke barks at it that they get a positive result.


The Dragon Lord's dungeon is coated in magic strong enough to repel Mega Man's blasts, but ever conveniently the guardians of the land are in the cell next to them, and they happen to have a portable portal on them that will allow them to reach the palace; they didn't use it because the path it warps to is a dangerous one. What could be so dangerous about i--



(they land safely!)


Kevin and company still can't go in search of Lana thanks to Puff's never-ending needs, first being fed too fast and needing burped (scorching Simon's shoulder in the process) and then needing rocked to sleep on a tree branch, which inevitably snaps and has the cot land on Simon's head. Followed up by bathing, playing and diaper changing until the crew just go to sleep from the exhaustion.


Lana and Mega Man find the "power items", a lightning bolt and a suit of gold armour, and they climb their way out of wherever it is they are. Conveniently, they find themselves outside of Castle Sharlock, which is also where Kevin and crew have arrived! Unfortunately, Dragon Lord has found them all!


Cue battle! Kid Icarus distracts Dragon Lord with some water balloon arrows while Simon gets dressed in the armour and is lifted into the skies by Puff. Kevin tries throwing the lightning bolt into Dragon Lord's chest, but hits Simon in the back instead, who throws it into the skies. After a single thunderclap, the clouds clear up and the sun begins shining again.


This apparently removes Dragon Lord's evil spell from the whole world, allowing Puff's mother to clobber up the bad guy, sending him running away crying like a big girl. Celebration time! Puff is reunited with her mother (not without dropping Simon from the sky first), who thanks them all for removing the evil spell and saving Dragon's Den. And with only fifteen seconds left, Simon endures more cruelty by being dropped from a tree branch and then being licked by Puff. This is allegedly hilarious.

I was originally thinking of covering the first two seasons of Captain N, but if this episode is any hint, not even I would have the strength for that. Season three was good because it restricted its ridiculous plots (and plot holes) to a mere ten minutes, but to cope with those for twice the time? Fo'get about it!


I wonder why Simon even hangs out with the N Team when he only gets humiliated over fifty times a day.