Finishing the Legend of Zelda

Part 1

18 March 2008

Segment 1
Finding the first dungeon

First attempt

I've played the game several times in the past, but those play throughs rarely lasted for more than half an hour, and I could not find the first dungeon at all.

It's what I admire about the game. Ocarina of Time, although slightly appealing, the fact little fairy Navi just told you wherever you had to go once you'd stumbled about for a while kind of defeated the sense of adventure for me. Sure, in Metroid I always stumble about for hours on end with no idea where to go, and to have something to guide me would be appreciated, but to find the path myself is just very, very rewarding. Thus, why I like and hate the first Legend of Zelda.

Be prepared to see repeated images for the sake of size and space conservancy.

My adventurer's name is COCKAD, and he is in the mood to bust some balls.

First things first: Get the sword. I never understood why you didn't just start off with it, as it's not like you had to dodge boulders to get it, but who cares. Swording time.

So I start off heading left. Tektites bouncing off the walls, but thanks to a lack of third dimension I've no idea what's what and where's where, so I'm avoiding them.

Balls, dead end.

I'ma headin' right. Doo wah.

Still heading right and ignoring these monsters that are probably Tektites and the previous ones weren't. Doo wah.

Peahats are so nice in this instalment. In Ocarina they're all "COMIN' UP FROM THE GROUND GOTTA PAY ATTENTION TO ME YOU" but these just pop up and go about their business. So great.

Wait, are these Peahats? God knows.
<God> sorry i don't know mark
Fat lot of good you are, God.

Wait, haven't I been here before?

Oh man, some walls. Totally gonna be a dungeon entrance around here.

Man, that's a shop entrance. Screw that.

Totally gonna be a dungeon entrance up around this coastal area.


I don't think I'm going to be finding any dungeons.

Hey maybe I will OH GOD PEAHATS

Okay this could lead somewhere interesting OH GOD OCTOROKS


That went well.

Second attempt

Right, okay, second try. Let's go nuts.

I'll head up this time.

Wait, whoops. Back here again.

Okay so I'm going back the way I came the first try.

But I'm going up!

Right time to teach these sons of bitches a lesson in--
Oh crap, I forgot the sword!


Phew, armed again. Let's slice a limb off.

Okay, um, I'm a bit stupid this time around, getting slaughtered by Octoroks.

With that knowledge, attacking a group of Moblins is bound to go down a treat!



Third attempt

A change in name will pick up my spirits. I am now BADASS. Conqueror of counties. Ravisher of realms. Pugilist of property.

Oh yeah, bring it Octoroks, you ain't no match for the mighty--
Shit, forgot the sword again!


Oh, BADASS. We hardly knew ye.

Fourth attempt

I am now BACK. Short for BACKANDOR, son of SPINEANDOR, who is probably a relative of SKELETOR for all I know. It was easier to name.

I remembered to sword up this time.

Let's deviate a bit. I'll go right!

Oh, back at the coast. In that case, further right!

I have met this motley crew before. However, they will soon be dead, for I will kill them all, or at least a few!

Oh ho ho, I think I'm approaching a dungeon!

Yes! All that stand in my way from this dungeon most foul are an army of Moblins, that are likely to be no match for

Bloody shit.

Fifth attempt

Screw Robert E. Howard and his naming traditions. I'm goddamned ABBBA now. I'll kill you harder than a Super Trouper.

Sword up.

Right, screw you bad guys. I'm killing you whether you like it or not. I'm getting to that dungeon and making it in alive.

Yeah, eat it, Moblins. This image may not show it but I'm at full hearts and have a bomb on me. SPEAR ME ALL YOU LIKE, this dungeon is MINE.




From hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee.

Man, what do I do now?

Oh ho! A curiously empty area with two statues! I bet if I shift those then it'll open a passageway to a dungeon!

wait what the

Goddamn it.

A change in strategy is necessary, methinks.

Sixth attempt

I am BABBS, and I am cutting crap from my diet, as I intend to find that dungeon without dying so embarrassingly.

Oh yeah, Octoroks, you goin' down. I've got a bomb and full hearts that aren't shown because I'm just repeating images. I'm crossing that bridge whether you like it or not.

have i actually

Oh yes! I made it! And it only took me six tries and at least an hour. Booyah.

Segment 2
Completing the first dungeon

First attempt

Dungeons are about the only thing I excel at in Zelda games. Finding them, doing all the quests necessary to open them and all that is just such a laborious story-driven hassle in the other games that I just don't care. And as you saw, it took me a million years to get here. My problems will only arise again when I complete the dungeon and have to find the next one!

Except I didn't account on getting killed by some boomerang jerk. Um.

Second attempt

Ah, dungeons. If a game consisted of nothing but them, I would enjoy it immensely. Which is why I loved the snot out of Four Swords Adventures! (hint hint, Nintendo. or anyone who's working with an RPG game engine that doesn't bore me to death)

So I found out how to kill the boomerangers. Basically, let them throw, then stab the shit out of them. Incredible tactic making!

Oh yeah, got me a bow. It's clobberin' time!

Idle comment, but the hands in this game are awesome.

Bring it, assface, I'ma go bomb yo face until you

In hindsight, I was asking for it as I had totally forgotten about my bow. Hurf!

Third attempt

Right, no foolin' this time. I'm going to kill that bitch if it's the last thing I do.


Fourth attempt

Did I say I excelled at the dungeons? Good lord.


Fifth attempt

Right okay surely gonna make some progress

Well I haven't seen this room before even if it is useless so surely that'll mean


Sixth attempt

Okay, no fooling around. I will conquer this dungeon. I will rock it like a Nintendo hurricane, and not the type that take you to warp zones.

What's the point of the compass? Seriously, once you've got the map you know it's more important to see all the places you can go, and at least one of them will have the boss. The compass sucks.

Right, I've got a load of bombs, plenty of health and a boomerang. If I go down then I'M TAKING YOU WITH ME


have i actually

Booyah! Beat the bastard and stoled his Triforce piece! All is well in the house of Ragey.

Of course, I still have to find the seven remaining dungeons, beat the crap of their bosses, steal their Triforce pieces and then get hooked up with the princess. It's gonna be a long night.


Already, my opinion on the game has increased dramatically, and I may have to say I love it more than The Minish Cap, Link's Awakening or any of those other games. Of course, I don't think anything will beat Four Swords Adventures just yet, as I'm an impatient mothertruck who prefers games to just have the good stuff and leave out the filler. But what do I know? Took me six lives to get to the first goddamned dungeon, after all.

Will this continue? Who knows. I'd like it to. Would you like it to?

I can't wait to bomb some Dodongos, though.