Unfinished Works (volume 1)
Despite the fact I never aim for my site to be anything in particular, I always worry that the non-stop sprite updates will make people think that's all there is to it. And thus, I end up forcing myself to make a General Writing as an apology of sorts. Except then due to the fact that I force myself to make humour and rush it out quickly so I don't have to say "okay today's update is just a repeat of yesterday's (which was mario and other sprites)", it all comes out as mediocre at most and I generally never look at it again. And then I try to apologise for that and it's a sad, sad cycle!
So as apologies for lack of non-sprite updates, here's several previous apologies that I never finished. Enjoy!
Must Be Destroyed
I like to think I'm a pretty okay guy. One could say that's me just denying my assholish internet antics and the fact I once punched a kid in an airport because he just wouldn't leave me alone without bitching about everything I was doing when I was about eight; but I try to be nice in person. I say a friendly hello to anyone that isn't busy or looks like they could kill me, I give them plenty of space to pass by, and generally respect them.
Well, except for cyclists.
Cyclists are assholes both to motorists and pedestrians. On the road, they either slow down traffic or have to pass by dangerously close to cars that you feel they're going to get run down and point the blame on the driver, while on the pavement they dominate the path and outright refuse to let people know if they're approaching. I'm not sure if that last one is international or just a Northern Ireland thing, as people over here aren't exactly the most respectful people, but it's pretty jerkish none the less. A simple "excuse me" or a ringing of a bell would suffice. If bikes still have those in this day and age.
This frustrates me, as I like bicycles. Human-powered transport just intrigues me, as cars are good and all, but there's the fact they're ludicrously expensive, the road tax, the MOT, and all that crap just turns me off. And the things frickin' kill ya. You never see any "never ever drink and bicycle" public service announcements. So I have nothing against actual bicycles, even if I was never able to ride one thanks to the fact that the training wheels I had were pretty awful and 180'd upon a slight change in surface.
Let's Talk Nothing
So it appears that I can no longer write anything for General Writings that is entertaining, coherent or interesting, so I may as well try my best at that first category, eh? For whatever reason, I'll be covering twenty six topics, with the initials of all the alphabet. Just for a laugh.
Seriously, what's up with that? When something claims to have adult content, it's usually just immature entertainment with swear words and private organs thrown around the place.
Bottom is the perfect example. Given an R rating in the US (which translates as very rude, violent, rather naughty, and other such adjectives to those with different ratings), the series is absolutely nothing but over-the-top Tom & Jerry level violence, numerous references to masturbation, attempts at hitching birds, plenty of double-entendres and getting drunk.
There was even a film, Guest House Paradiso, which upped the violence to including hooks in the nose and nutcrackers used on the human kind, as well as lots and lots of vomiting. It's like the stuff you laughed about in the playground how many years ago, only here it's two crazy balding people doing it in an over-the-top fashion. And it manages to be one of my favourite comedy shows of all time.
Yeah, I have a blog, and although I do occasionally talk about my life in it, it's barely personal. Well okay, maybe a little. But I don't update it with every single tiny minor event that happens to me every day.
And I never understood why people did that. "So today I had a shower and made a sandwich and watched TV for two hours and then had a nap and then made dinner and went on the internet and played a game and read a book and then I went to bed and I'll just be repeating this stuff in different words for you tomorrow."
I remember one guy's blog was really just that, and he did it for every single day, and when he missed one he apologised for it the next day. He never did anything of any interest at all, ever. The funniest part was that this was the blog of a guy at a forum I used to go to, and he had nothing better to do but harass people in nonsensical fashions, one example being him calling me a wigger. It sort of makes sense when he made lots of posts that talked about taking drugs and whatnot.
Ducks are awesome. They swim around ponds, have people feed them bread, and then maybe someone will scare them into the air where they'll be shot and made into dinner.
The Art of a Continue Screen
Cadillacs & Dinosaurs
If you fail in your quest to stop the evil Fessenden from doing whatever it is, Vice, the first boss of the game, will greet you with a gun, a raised eyebrow, and twenty seconds to save your poor little character. As the timer lowers, the music grows more and more tense, the background flashes more and more, and Vice tells you to "EAT LEAD...BABY!"
If you do have the conscience/money to save yourself, you'll give Vice a good hard punch in the face. If this game were made now and with a higher ESRB rating (or any ESRB rating), you'd kick him in the fragile place, but hey, can't complain.
Being made to eat lead results in several fires of the pistol and numerous blood splotches. Not overly violent, especially compared to the utter decimation of enemies with a rocket launcher, but it gets the point across that we'll no longer be seeing the bad mamba jamba Mustapha or damn good Jack in action. =(
Dying will get you some messages from this slack-jawed scientist man, who pleads with you to continue.
He starts by bribing you with a "big bonus" if you plunk down the cash to continue this journey. The funny thing is, he doesn't give you a bonus at all.
Now he's frantic, commanding you to never give up and continue the fight. Probably wishing he actually had a real big bonus to actually bribe you with. Look at those teeth.
And the final piece of evidence that he's a dick, he seems more worried about it being a game over than the player being rather dead.
And there you go.