THE KID RHINO RHINO MUST DIE
Rhino ain't a bad company. Sure, I only own one of their DVDs, and only because
there isn't a UK release of Beast Wars (despite the fact the sequel series Beast
Machines is available. Get on the ball, UK publishers! >:U ), but the fact it's
available at all is very nice. Plus, the extra features are actually good! Sure,
it's only two interviews with the series writers, but they're well-made and
interesting stuff, which is more than could be said about Metrodome's early
Transformers releases, which had horribly presented spots on animation
errors and a painfully boring look at a Transformers convention. No interaction,
no sound (besides an endlessly looping version of the series' ending theme,
which normally lasts for thirty seconds. you can imagine how fun that is), and no
redeeming value. Sure, there's lots of extras, but I'd much prefer a few good
bonus features than a plethora of junk.
Beast Wars: Season 1 DVD? Thumbs up. Excellent picture quality, a choice of
sound options and it's a wonderfully presented set. I have no complaints
Well... except for one.
See, when the DVD starts you're treated to a mockery of your typical FBI warning
copyright infringement death prison orifice violation screen, which is amusing
enough. Okay, it's just a typical FBI warning copyright infringement death
prison orifice violation screen except some guy has a moustache and glasses
spray painted onto him, but the point stands that it's light-hearted and silly.
Plus the music is kinda rad. In future, all typical FBI warning copyright
infringement death prison orifice violation screens should use music of some
But what follows afterward is just unpleasant.
There's the rhino. The Kid Rhino rhino.
Fist of all, who the hell does he think he is? Sure, being an upright
anthropomorphic rhino is one thing, but what was he thinking when he got dressed
in that ludicrous get-up? I mean, the ludicrous Elvis wig is one thing, but the
leather jacket with gold zippers are just tacky. A rhino in an outfit normally
associated with glamorous rock stars just conveys all kinds of weird messages.
So, what, is our Kid Rhino fellow a musician with violence and drug problems?
He'd probably need to be hopped up on goofballs to think wearing an ill-fitting
jacket but no pants was a good idea. If you're trying to appear fashionable,
don't go halfway, you lazy bastard.
Also, being one of Flash animation's many spawn, he walks and moves with all the
grace of an articulated brick. See, trying to appear like a rock star when
you're a rhino - even an anthropomorphic rhino - is just a doomed career choice
from the start. At least, if you're going to be an old-fashioned rock star and
be hopping and leaping around the stage and actually have dancing skills, which
his garments seem to suggest. If he were one of these modern bands who just get
on stage, play the instruments casually and then bugger off, I guess being a
rhino would work out, but even then... there are so many complications.
Plus for some reason I'm really miffed by how he has human hands but rhino feet.
I don't know why, it just really bugs me.
As if the rhino's merely existence wasn't frustrating enough, what he does next
is just a pointless, unprovoked dick move.
He gestures in this apparently automated catapult (I could rant about how a
wooden structure with only a single lever for firing its projectile somehow has
the power to obey visual commands, but it's just cartoon logic!) and pours a
variety of coloured paint into the firing hold. You'd expect him to
do a typical pointless cartoon activity like spraying it at the wall, magically
spelling the name with the splat... and while he does do that, it's against a
What an asshole.
Let's recap - he's a badly dressed, silly looking rhino who, for no reason at
all, showers you in Technicolor paint for the purpose of supplying a publisher
And you've got to endure this every time you start the DVD.
I believe there's only one fitting punishment for such assholery.
TRY SOME OF RHINOX'S CHAINGUN OF DEATH, SUCKA
Embittered, me? Why, what makes you think that?