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ONM Remembered – #35

“RAID THE SHOPS!”


from Nintendo Pro issue 33 (2000)

Of all the gaming magazines I’ve collected, Nintendo Pro is easily one of the crummiest. Unremarkable reviews; a bright and cluttered kid-focused graphic design that leaves little room for text; and a general lack of polish. I’ve a feeling the only reason I got it was because it was the only game mag Belfast Airport had to offer during a visit.
The mag was originally known as N64 Pro (before reformatting itself when the Game Boy Color became big), and in those days it was a bit better, but it lacked anything that made it stand out. Oh, boy, did they find a way to stand out. How do you like being swamped in bad captions and speech balloons? It’s like the Transformers Wiki on a bad day (zing! no, seriously, the Transformers Wiki is pretty rad).

I’ve highlighted this review because, good gravy, it cannot go a single sentence without reminding you of how much it fancies Lara Croft.  “Sexy Lara Croft” is listed under “pros”, for crying out loud! She’s not even fifty pixels tall and barely has a face!


THIS IS NOT A SPRITE TO GET EXCITED OVER

The whole page makes me angry. The crappy review, the unashamed lusting, the needless speech bubbles (“COME PLAY WITH ME!”), the stupid photoshopped caricatures of the staff. It’s like the worst staples of gaming magazines came together and staged an intervention, for the sole purpose of making you ask, “why do I spend £3.50 every month on these things?”

The one good thing? F’real Seal. I wonder if he and ONM’s Seal know each other.