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ONM Remembered – #15

“Just don’t forget to take a sick bag with you…”


from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 68 (May 1998)

Ahahaha, WOW. It’s like the worst of 1990s female character designs (heck, worst of character designs, full stop) were… jeez, I don’t know. I can’t even make a funny story out of this. Look at it!
What can I say? The woman in orange looks like her head is on fire, the lady in yellow looks like her butt is pregnant, and as for madam cyber-arm… FUCK.
It’s– just– god!
Okay, I think this one needs a breakdown.

  1. She has a metal thong, with either gun holsters or hip-mounted rocket launchers on the side. Very practical. Not sure on the sexy part. Definitely gives off a “don’t fuck with me” vibe.
  2. Strangely asymmetrical armour. One arm appears to be natural, while the other has been replaced with the first thing they could grab from the RoboCop prop warehouse. Her right hand appears to be no more sophisticated than a crane game arm. The practicality of this is as of yet unknown.
  3. Those are the worst fucking guns I have ever seen. Just– Jesus, look at them! Forget the beef – where’s the depth?
  4. I cannot look at that face without cracking up. It reminds me of every bad heavy metal CD and sci-fi magazine cover I have ever seen. That, or a robotic kissogram from a future gone terribly, terribly wrong. “PRE-PARE-TO-PUC-KER-UP, BIG-BOY. MU-WAH. MU-WAH.”

I’m mighty tempted to submit this to Escher Girls, though, er, having tried them myself (MY ONLY REGRET IS NOT TAKING PHOTOS), I can say that the poses are at least within the relative confines of reality… I stress the term  “relative” very damned loosely. Possible or not, they’re still mighty stupid poses. The girl in orange must have a very warped centre of balance if she can remain upright with her legs forward and her torso craned back. On platform high heels, no less!
I think I just want the girls’ costumes to have a good home alongside the comic book fashion travesties you see on the blog.

(also hey Escher Girls is a pretty rad blog with some hilarious observations and admirable messages, if you haven’t checked it out, check it out!)

3 Comments

  1. carlmarksguy wrote:

    I like how the ad itsself lets its contortionist cheesecake speak for itself, and makes no mention of the fact they’re pandering to the Tomb Raider market.

    Unless the game’s title refers to the protagonists having FORSAKEN the practice of wearing anything to cover their undergarments.

    Thursday, August 9, 2012 at 12:36 pm | Permalink
  2. Ragey wrote:

    Forsaken actually shows up a surprising amount of times in the old mags, but I’ve no idea what on earth it’s about. I think it’s like Doom, except you’re on a flying bike? With full three-dimensional movement? It… doesn’t look like an easy game to explain with just pictures and words (though even gameplay footage confuses me!), so showing some cyborg gams is obviously a quick way of scoring easy press.

    (mind you, the thong-wearing Crocodile Man has yet to draw in oodles of page views for me, so I’m clearly doing something wrong)

    Friday, August 10, 2012 at 12:02 pm | Permalink
  3. carlmarksguy wrote:

    “I think it’s like Doom, except you’re on a flying bike? With full three-dimensional movement?”

    So, it sounds like Descent + Tomb Raider?

    Alternately there’s that episode of The Simpsons where they have to deprogram the kids from that cult, and they win their love with HOVER-BIKES! It could be that, too :O

    Saturday, August 11, 2012 at 11:41 am | Permalink