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Planet Terror!

Survival is today’s Cadillacs And Dinosaurs episode. We’re getting ever so close to the conclusion!

I watched Planet Terror last night. I was actually quite happy to just sit down and watch Theodore Rex, but padre suggested this one and I could hardly accept anything else once the decision was made. It’s Planet freakin’ Terror!

You know, I had no idea the film was technically a zombie movie. You could argue that the definition of zombie movie has fallen from “the dead rise to perform social commentary while eating flesh” to “a bunch of people who look funny explode into ludicrous gibs with the slightest provocation”, but the same basic vibe is there. A toxic gas is released into Texas that causes people to turn into freaks with a rabid killing drive, tearing as many people apart as they can before they kinda fall apart themselves. Naturally, there’s a number of people who are immune to this gas and they’ve got to go out and take care of these mutated sons of bitches before they infect the world. And, of course, one of them is an amputee who eventually gets a gun for a leg – a gun that seems to house every brand of ammunition known to man.

We’re also treated to a scene where Quentin Tarentino’s balls fall off.

I think that sentence is enough of a demonstration that it’s a pretty sleazy movie. Entire limbs practically explode at the smallest inconvenience, the heroine’s go-go dancer are ultimately what help save the day, and the casual deaths of everyone but the main characters are played for laughs. It totally revels in the gross-out factor, and if that happens to be your cup of tea, then you better believe it’s worth checking out.

What totally sold it for me, however, was the gritty retro vibe of old-timey cinemas. I sadly didn’t exist in the era when those style of trailers were around, but by god, I certainly wish I was. The cheap and corny looking “prevue” screen, the fake trailer that repeats the movie’s title about forty times, the scratchy look to the film… it’s beautiful work. It sadly doesn’t work quite as well when the main feature is explicitly filmed like a modern movie with all our fancy techniques, where only a few minor elements still continue throughout, but it’s still a totally awesome way to present a movie. I would give the movie five stars alone just for the Machete trailer. Fuck yes will I be seeing that in theatres when it comes out.

Afterwards I was watching Tiny Toon Adventures, not on a TV, but in a completely empty cinema. Completely empty except for Orson Welles sitting next to me, commenting on every action and gag in a condescending manner. He was pretty drunk and smelled like uncooked ham, so it was pretty uncomfortable. Like, I wanted to watch the show and I also wanted to hang out with Orson Welles, but I could hardly do both when he was being a noisy bugger. Plus, it would be pretty disrespectful to get up in a completely empty cinema and move down a few seats just to get away from his stench. I could do that with any old Bob, Dick or Harry, but you cannot do that to Orson Welles, my friend.